Off We Go Into The Wild Blue Yonder....

I'm thinking about going into the Air Force. Well...I've been thinking it for a few years now. I have to lose about 20 pounds to go, so that's the stage I'm in. I've stopped drinking soda, and I'm trying to eat healthier.

It's great benefits....and I've always considered it. Plus I think it'll help me jump start my life. I've already talked to a recruiter and everything. We'll see what happens.

Fighting Frustration

So if you follow me on Twitter, you know that I've been job hunting for quite some time now. I finished up my graduate degree program in June, so I now have a Masters in Communications with an emphasis in Promotions. However, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut.

I hate my job.

Well...I hate one of my jobs. I work two retail jobs, and I feel like I'm stuck there. I work myself to death and am severely underpaid. I don't have insurance. I don't get vacation time .. if I'm not at work I'm not getting paid. Hell I'm not even guaranteed a certain amount on my paychecks each time. On some days, I work from 10am - 2pm at one job, then work the other from 2:30pm - 11:00pm, and I end up exhausted, only to have to do it all over again the next day.

I have applied to hundreds of jobs over the months, all over the country. I've had one interview. One. You can imagine how frustrating and discouraging that can be.

I try to hold my head high and keep in mind that what God has for me is for me, and it'll be right on time when it comes ... but at times that's not comforting at all. Because bills.

It also makes me question whether going to grad school was even worth it. Some days I just feel like I created another bill. *sigh*

Something's got to give.

I Told Myself I Wouldn't Blog About Trayvon...

...but pictures like this one just break my heart man.


This is going to be a bit lengthy, so bear with me. First, let me say this. If strictly looking at the facts and the way they were presented in the case, am I surprised that George Zimmerman was acquitted? No. Not in the slightest. The prosecution did a PISS poor job of presenting evidence to support that Zimmerman was guilty of Florida's definition of 2nd degree murder and manslaughter.

However....

...my emotions want justice. Unfortunately, as I have intimated several times since Saturday's acquittal, it seems there is no justice in this country for Blacks. As someone on my Facebook timeline said, "I am sad, but not surprised. What makes me sad is that I'm not surprised."

What that means is that it seems cases like this have become the norm. Don't believe me? Google these names:


Ervin Jefferson

Amadou Diallo

Patrick Dorismond

Oscar Grant

Sean Bell

Aaron Campbell

Victor Steen

Jordan Davis

Kimani Gray

Alonzo Ashley




All of the above were under the age of 30. Don't care to research? Here are some with a brief explanation of the occurrence.


Kenneth Harding, Jr. Shot by police after he supposedly shot at police. Witnesses didn't see Harding with gun. Allowed to bleed out at scene.

Kiwane Carrington. "Accidentally" shot & killed after police stopped him for attempting to break into what turned out to be his own home.


Reginald Doucet Jr. 25. Unarmed. Shot & killed by officers in front of his home after a night out. Officers not charged in shooting.


Raheim Brown, Jr. 20. Shot 5 times, twice in head after police claimed he attacked them with screwdriver. Witness said no attack occurred.


Derrick Gaines. 15. Shot & killed after being stopped by police. Police claim he drew a weapon. Eyewitnesses report no weapon was drawn.


Rekia Boyd, 22. Shot in head during when an officer fired blindly at a nearby suspect. Charges dropped when officer didn't show up to court.


Steven Washington, 27. Autistic. Shot in head & killed when officers thought he was drawing a weapon. He was unarmed. Officers not charged.


Robbie Tolan. Unarmed. Shot in his driveway when officers suspected the car he was driving was stolen. Tolan owned car. Officers acquitted.


Aiyana Jones, 7. Unarmed. Shot in head/neck & killed when officers raided home in Detroit in an attempt to arrest her father


Deandre Brunston, 24. Unarmed. After a standoff with police, the officers fired 81 shots at him - 22 of which hit Brunston's body. A police dog that was injured during crossfire was airlifted to a vet center, while Brunston was left bleeding out where he lay.


All of those people, also under the age of 30. What is a young black person's life worth in America? The justice system apparently feels that it's not worth any jail time, that's for sure. 

The Black community in America is hurting, and will hurt for a long time because of Trayvon Martin. I think what has saddened us so much is that we felt like this time would be different. Maybe, just maybe this time, we would see the man who admittedly killed this young boy, be brought to justice. This man who disobeyed an order from a police dispatcher to not approach Trayvon. This man who I have no doubts would not have approached Trayvon had he been a white kid wearing a hoody walking in that neighborhood. Instead, we sat and watched as this man was allowed to walk out of that court room free.

The only justice now, is that George Zimmerman has become an embodiment of the very ideology behind racism. Mr. Zimmerman will get strange looks from people in public. He may not be welcomed to visit certain establishments. People will shun him, simply because of their perception of who he is, instead of learning about who he is. People will stare at him, possibly call him ungodly names. He won't be hired at places because of who he is. And I for one don't feel sorry for him. 

I don't feel sorry for him because my little brother could be Oscar Grant. My future wife could be Rekia Boyd. My future son could be Trayvon Martin. And that reality scares the hell out of me. 

Personology

So a good friend recently sent me a link to a site that gives Personology readings. This is similar to a zodiacal reading, but is technically scientific. The site actually explains it as such:

The material we present here does not come from astrology, rather, it is a distillation of personality trait commonalities found in a 40-year study of the biographies of more than 20,000 people, organized by birthday. Here, we present the most comprehensive and accurate description of human personality ever written.

My friend explained just how accurate a description it gave and how it was so on point, so of course I had to give it a try. I must say, it was so exact, it was scary. I've decided to blog on some of the main points (some more in depth than others), maybe it'll give you guys more of an understanding of who I am.

Though September 29 people can appear dispassionate to the world, they nonetheless arouse strong reactions in others, both good and bad. They must beware of accidents and antagonism which can come their way. In order to get a handle on this danger, September 29 people must sooner or later face the fact that it may be their own repressed emotions which call forth such disturbances. Thus self-understanding is an important commodity for them to cultivate as early in life as possible.

I often have to explain to people that I'm not one to be overly excitable with my emotions, except for when I am. Leave me alone, it makes sense. This definitely comes into play in my relationships. I often have to explain during gift giving seasons that my "lack" of a reaction does not indicate dislike or disinterest. However when I do express myself emotionally, it's like a volcano, and this is probably do to repression of a lot of feelings. So it's a struggle every day to figure out the person I currently am and to walk the direction of the person I'd like to be.

Others often wonder in amazement at how such naturally gifted and highly capable individuals manage to get sidetracked from their true goals and allow success to elude them.

I just...*sigh*. I've been told since I was little how gifted I am...how special I can be. How much potential I have. But I guess I just have never seen what everyone else saw.  I'll...leave it at that.

They have undeniable perfectionist tendencies, which may infuse every area of their lives with a desire to find out what’s wrong and to try to fix it. This theme of putting things right reflects their knowledge and technical know how, and also their conviction that they know what’s best for those around them.

This trait definitely rears it's ugly head when it comes to relationships, friendly and romantic. I'm a fixer, I admit it. I have a desire to make things better for people ... often times sacrificing myself to do so. I also have this innate need to know the "why" behind EVERYTHING. I've always been taught that there's a reason for everything. Growing up I was never allowed to give an answer of "Because." It was always met with, "Because what?" This definitely rubs people who disagree the wrong way.

  In their drive for perfection, they are prone to apply their often mercilessly high standards equally to themselves and to those around them. At the heart of their perfectionism may well lie a voice from their childhood constantly telling them that they aren’t good enough. Their critical attitudes can certainly run out of hand, and this can make them extremely difficult to live with.

I often make the mistake of expecting of others what I would do for them. It's a lesson I've had to learn as I've grown, that everyone doesn't do things how I do them, and that's ok! I can, however, be very demanding in your interactions with me. As for the other part...well...like I said above...

These people have intense personalities and are capable of great achievements. Yet they can be torn by indecision, even spending years trying to make up their minds what course to follow. At times they may put so much time and exertion into a nonproductive effort, perhaps a hobby or a relationship, that they leave themselves little time or energy for more positive endeavors. Highly challenged by problems, they may find it difficult to give up, fail or even admit that they have been wasting their time. 

I hate quitting. I hate feeling like a quitter. Giving up is just as bad as getting beat or losing to me. Unfortunately, this trait appears a lot in my relationships. Often I want to stick and try to make things work that just ... aren't. I don't know when it's time to give up. How do you figure that out?

 Such individuals are usually quite emotionally complex. They often give an impression of coolness that masks a maelstrom of inner emotions. They have a tendency not only to get bottled up inside but to resist the attempts of others to help them out. Mastery of their feelings is usually a high priority for them

This couldn't be more accurate of me. I hate giving control over to my emotions, because then things become irrational. (I could write a whole separate blog on this topic.) I hate giving emotional reactions to things because they are often either overblown, or just plain out wrong. I pride myself on being able to control my emotions effectively. Honestly, this is probably leading to a lot of repression, which isn't healthy. And often I don't want help with expressing my emotions.

Those born during the Week of the Perfectionist have a wry sense of humor and often a biting wit, which can express itself in many forms, but principally in irony and sarcasm. Their humor is not generally intended to hurt, however, or even to make others laugh, but to make them think. They can make scathing criticisms that may wound those close to them deeply, yet they probably don’t fully realize the emotional effects of their statements.  

I often tell people that I have a sharp tongue. I also find myself hurting people's feelings a lot of times with my words, when I absolutely meant no harm whatsoever. And yes, most of my humor is based in sarcasm. My words are often my most dangerous weapon.

Anyway...that's enough about me. If you've gotten this far, this is the type of information that it gives you about yourself, but there's WAAAAAYYY more than I could even begin to explain to you. Your reward if you've made it to the end of this blog is the link. :) Enjoy your Personology!

Ego Trip: Gate 143

You'd never felt so far away...
As the last night you laid next to me.
Things were different.
You...were different.
The moon wasn't as bright...
The stars weren't as numerous.
Felt like the sun wasn't gonna rise
the next morn.
You were there but...
your heart wasn't anymore.
You had decided to lock it back up
in the baggage you carried with you
everywhere.
Instead of offering to carry your bags
I was too busy adjusting mine.
And what neither of us realized is...
When you're ego tripping
there's nowhere to check your baggage.

Be Better

*pulls out soapbox and taps mic*

Is this thing on?

I feel the need to address something really quick, then I'll be out. Frequently I see people challenging others to accept their flaws fully because that's who they are. They know how severely flawed they are, and just how much it can ruin their interractions with others, but they maintain that the person who may be interested in them should just choose to accept and deal with it. They just deem people that they've hurt and run off in the past as not strong enough to deal with their personality.

To this I say no. Be better.

Part of life is growth and learning about yourself right? As you grow and get older you should learn more and more about yourself, your likes, dislikes, positive qualities, and faults. If you know your faults, do what it takes to improve! Why expect someone to handle and embrace what YOU don't even deem as positive about yourself? Then they wonder why they are left alone in the end. Instead of trying to be better, they just keep chugging along wondering when someone is going to come along that is strong enough to handle their personality.

Grow up. Be better.

Graduation Time Again

This Friday evening, ya boy graduates with his Master of Arts degree in Communications with an emphasis in Promotion. I'm on course to graduate with a perfect 4.0 grade point average in my graduate coursework. Do you know how proud of myself I am? Man!

In reflecting, I look at how far my journey has come, and I am not ashamed to pat myself on the back in a congratulatory manner. If you would have asked me 6 years ago if I would have finished undergrad, let alone grad school, I would have probably laughed in your face. I thank God that I got a second chance with school, and I'm trying hard to leave my regrets of the past, IN the past.

And let me tell you how God just be showing off. In addition to grad school, I've been slaving away working two retail jobs to make ends meet, and it's been a struggle. The other day I was just praying for some kind of financial blessing, an employment blessing, and just overall for my situation to improve. I got in the car yesterday after work and had a message from a resume I submitted for a job that actually utilizes my degree(s). The lady who answered said, "Look I don't want to waste your time, so I'm gonna let you know up front all we can offer is $x per year."

Listen. That's more than what I make, AND it's in my degree field?! So we're setting up an interview for next week. Look at God! Won't He do it?

The other reason I'm excited about this weekend is that my little brother is graduating from high school, and I couldn't be more proud. It seems like he's grown up so quickly! It's been awesome, though, to see him do what he has to do to get his business taken care of. That's a great part of growing up, and something that I didn't take to as well as he has recently. He's actually starting college at Missouri State University in June. He's nervous, but I know he can and will be successful. Love you bro. I promise to continue to try and be a positive example of a man to you.

You know...it's just amazing to finally see God moving in my life. I know I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm trying.

Anyway, I hadn't written in a while, and I wanted y'all to know I hadn't forgotten about you. Y'all be easy.