These Eyes Have Seen...

This last week has been one of the busiest, stressful, and emotionally torrential weeks I've ever experienced.

As many of you know by now, last Wednesday, Vonderrit Myers was gunned down by an off-duty police officer working a secondary and neighborhood security. He was stopped because he looked suspicious, and reportedly fired at the officer, who in turn shot at Vonderrit 16 times.

Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.

Are you sick to your stomach yet? If not, try saying it out loud.

Since then this city, still looming in the shadow of Mike Brown's death in August, has erupted in peaceful protests again. Personally, I have been out in the streets protesting and/or assisting protesters every night since last Thursday. The following are just some of the things my eyes have seen in that time.

(All of the following photos were taken by me.)

This has been my life this last week. Protests, planning, meeting with people, avoiding police, working my regular job(s), and standing up for what's right. 

Why am I out here? Because Mike Brown could've been my little brother. Vonderrit Myers could've been my little brother. John Crawford could've been me. The level of unjust treatment of blacks in this country by the very police force that is supposed to "protect and serve" in our communities is ludicrous. There is a reason black people don't like, nor feel comfortable around members of the police force. They poke and prod, and attempt to provoke those who are nonviolently protesting on the very sidewalks that they have deemed we have the right to protest on. I have seen officers of the law blow kisses at women protesters, push and shove journalists, grab at innocent and nonviolent protesters, and a litany of other things that if the public TRULY saw, would be very ashamed. 

And I can't stand for that. I stand for what's right. And I'll continue to stand until things change. Until the people and mindset change. 

Y'all be easy. 

Getting to Know You...

As I get older, I realize more and more, how trivial, monotonous and ... well ... tiring that dating is. It's easier to see as I age how people end up in relationships and married to people that they aren't completely happy with. It's simply because they've developed a comfort zone with them. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying that I can see how it happens.

Anyway...

As we all know, there are stages when it comes to dating. What I'm here to talk about is the "Getting to know you" stage. It's a catch-22 for me. I love learning about people. I'm curious by nature and I love asking questions, learning about a person's history, what makes them who they are, etc. Hell, it's part of the reason I went into journalism in undergrad.

At the same time, it gets old. Each time you get to know someone, you're in some way developing feelings about that person along the way. When you've gotten to know someone deeper than surface level, but it doesn't work out, it feels like you've wasted time. That feeling of wasting time gets old.

For some, instead of wasting time, they'd rather stay to themselves.

As I grow older, I so look forward to falling in love, getting married, building a family, and a legacy. But each time I give my time to getting to know someone and it doesn't work out, I lose a little bit of patience, and the prospect of those things happening grows dimmer. I know I'm still young, and that's fine. Age isn't the issue. I suppose the issue is ... patience. It's wearing thin.

I still have hope though, every time I give my time to getting to know someone. And I still give my all because it's only right. I wouldn't want someone to give me less. But, the whole "getting to know you" thing is getting ...

... Old. Y'all be easy.

Fighting Frustration

So if you follow me on Twitter, you know that I've been job hunting for quite some time now. I finished up my graduate degree program in June, so I now have a Masters in Communications with an emphasis in Promotions. However, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut.

I hate my job.

Well...I hate one of my jobs. I work two retail jobs, and I feel like I'm stuck there. I work myself to death and am severely underpaid. I don't have insurance. I don't get vacation time .. if I'm not at work I'm not getting paid. Hell I'm not even guaranteed a certain amount on my paychecks each time. On some days, I work from 10am - 2pm at one job, then work the other from 2:30pm - 11:00pm, and I end up exhausted, only to have to do it all over again the next day.

I have applied to hundreds of jobs over the months, all over the country. I've had one interview. One. You can imagine how frustrating and discouraging that can be.

I try to hold my head high and keep in mind that what God has for me is for me, and it'll be right on time when it comes ... but at times that's not comforting at all. Because bills.

It also makes me question whether going to grad school was even worth it. Some days I just feel like I created another bill. *sigh*

Something's got to give.

Ego Trip: Gate 143

You'd never felt so far away...
As the last night you laid next to me.
Things were different.
You...were different.
The moon wasn't as bright...
The stars weren't as numerous.
Felt like the sun wasn't gonna rise
the next morn.
You were there but...
your heart wasn't anymore.
You had decided to lock it back up
in the baggage you carried with you
everywhere.
Instead of offering to carry your bags
I was too busy adjusting mine.
And what neither of us realized is...
When you're ego tripping
there's nowhere to check your baggage.

Be Better

*pulls out soapbox and taps mic*

Is this thing on?

I feel the need to address something really quick, then I'll be out. Frequently I see people challenging others to accept their flaws fully because that's who they are. They know how severely flawed they are, and just how much it can ruin their interractions with others, but they maintain that the person who may be interested in them should just choose to accept and deal with it. They just deem people that they've hurt and run off in the past as not strong enough to deal with their personality.

To this I say no. Be better.

Part of life is growth and learning about yourself right? As you grow and get older you should learn more and more about yourself, your likes, dislikes, positive qualities, and faults. If you know your faults, do what it takes to improve! Why expect someone to handle and embrace what YOU don't even deem as positive about yourself? Then they wonder why they are left alone in the end. Instead of trying to be better, they just keep chugging along wondering when someone is going to come along that is strong enough to handle their personality.

Grow up. Be better.

Graduation Time Again

This Friday evening, ya boy graduates with his Master of Arts degree in Communications with an emphasis in Promotion. I'm on course to graduate with a perfect 4.0 grade point average in my graduate coursework. Do you know how proud of myself I am? Man!

In reflecting, I look at how far my journey has come, and I am not ashamed to pat myself on the back in a congratulatory manner. If you would have asked me 6 years ago if I would have finished undergrad, let alone grad school, I would have probably laughed in your face. I thank God that I got a second chance with school, and I'm trying hard to leave my regrets of the past, IN the past.

And let me tell you how God just be showing off. In addition to grad school, I've been slaving away working two retail jobs to make ends meet, and it's been a struggle. The other day I was just praying for some kind of financial blessing, an employment blessing, and just overall for my situation to improve. I got in the car yesterday after work and had a message from a resume I submitted for a job that actually utilizes my degree(s). The lady who answered said, "Look I don't want to waste your time, so I'm gonna let you know up front all we can offer is $x per year."

Listen. That's more than what I make, AND it's in my degree field?! So we're setting up an interview for next week. Look at God! Won't He do it?

The other reason I'm excited about this weekend is that my little brother is graduating from high school, and I couldn't be more proud. It seems like he's grown up so quickly! It's been awesome, though, to see him do what he has to do to get his business taken care of. That's a great part of growing up, and something that I didn't take to as well as he has recently. He's actually starting college at Missouri State University in June. He's nervous, but I know he can and will be successful. Love you bro. I promise to continue to try and be a positive example of a man to you.

You know...it's just amazing to finally see God moving in my life. I know I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm trying.

Anyway, I hadn't written in a while, and I wanted y'all to know I hadn't forgotten about you. Y'all be easy.

What Is Love?

I haven't written in awhile, but I wanted to stop by and get some stuff out real quick that's been on my mind for awhile.

Simply stated: I'm confused on what falling in love is supposed to feel like anymore.

I've experienced the whirlwind, movie-like romances, and I've experienced the kind where we had to really work at it, and things didn't come so "easily."

It's funny because those whirlwind romances give you some inclination that that's what  it's supposed to be, and who doesn't want that? The scary part is that just how some of those whirlwind love connections came out of nowhere, some of them disappeared just as quickly. Could this be because the foundation of the relationship wasn't strong enough? Who knows.

Now the relationships where I had to really work at it seemed to last longer. But the whole idea of that comes across as...boring...sometimes. Loving someone and being in a relationship should come easy for the most part right?

Look, I know relationships period are hard work. It takes dedication..resiliency..etc. However, because I've experienced so many different types of relationships, and to this point none of them have worked out, I'm confused on what exactly it's supposed to feel like. And I don't wanna hear the "you know when you know" cliche' because I've thought I knew a couple times. Obviously I was wrong.

I guess you can add this to the heap of other things in my life that I'm confused about at the moment. I always thought growing up that as you got older, you figured out more about life ... that you got more answers. As I've grown through my twenties it seems like I'm only getting more questions.

Y'all be easy.

I'm a Recovering Undercover Overlover...Redux

So...some of you may recall a blog I wrote earlier about healing.

If you don't, take a gander.

In that post I gave the analogy of comparing healing internally to healing a sore externally.

"When it comes to healing...sometimes you have to just let your feelings and emotions go raw in order to heal."

That feeling...that rawness...can be so tough. I try my best not to become spiteful during healing. The Bible says we should forgive, and I've always heard that we should forgive not only for the other person, but to allow ourselves to move past the hurt. Sometimes when you haven't forgiven the person or people who have caused you pain, the healing process is slowed. You come into contact with them in some form or fashion and that scab that was forming over your emotional sores gets ripped back off, and you feel raw again.

I think I have that part down.

But how do you know when you're ready to walk into the fire again? That's what I struggle with. A good friend recently told me that when you want something like that, there's nothing that will keep you from it. I'm guessing that would include past hurts. It should be an easy decision if it's what you want. I don't know that that's what I feel. I don't know that I agree with that. It's not that...black and white for me.

Allow me to tell you a story.
A cute dog is walking down the street. He sees someone sitting on some steps with some snacks, who beckons the dog over. The dog approaches the person happily. The person punches the dog in the snout and the dog runs. 

Further down the street, the dog, now with a couple bruises, sees another person sitting on a porch with some snacks. The person beckons the dog over. Hesitantly, the dog approaches the person holding out the snacks. The person kicks the dog and the dog runs. 

On the next block, while battered and limping, the dog sees a person sitting on the porch with a huge bag of snacks. The person smiles sweetly and beckons the dog over. The  dog stops at the end of the walkway, afraid of approaching for fear of being hit again. 

I feel like that dog. I've forgiven those who have hurt me in the past, but how do you not let that affect how you proceed in the future? How do you know when you're ready?

It's so true that "hurt people, hurt people." There's always some form of collateral damage not only when people are hurt, but when they're healing too.

I've felt so lost today simply because there's so much going on in my head. So many questions being asked in which there are no definitive answers. All of them circle around my fears.

I guess I'm still in repair.

Y'all be easy.

I'm a Recovering Undercover Overlover...

Healing is such a process. I continue to learn this every day. The crazy thing is just when you begin to think that you've healed some, something pops up to remind you of what you're healing from. It's like ripping the scab off of a sore once it starts healing.

To carry that analogy further....after awhile, a scab stops forming on an open sore. You're forced to have an open and raw sore that just heals eventually with time.

When it comes to healing...sometimes you have to just let your feelings and emotions go raw in order to heal. I know, it seems totally counterproductive, but trust me, it works. Remember when your mom used to tell you, "You don't need a bandaid! Let that oxygen get to it." The same thing applies to your emotions.

Sometimes you just have to...well...live. Take that bandaid off and let the air hit it. Be raw...open. It's ok. It'll heal faster.

Vingt-huit | XXIIX | Veintiocho | Twenty-Eight | 28

I've been 28 for going on a week now and I can honestly say...it hasn't been so bad. For a while I've been fearing nearing age 30. As I get closer, I'm realizing that it's not so bad. The only "eh" thing that's happened is finding 4 more white hairs in my goatee to bring the grand total to 6.


A good friend emailed me today and asked if I ever had feelings of severe inadequacy. The answer is definitely. I'm 28 and haven't gotten into a career yet. I'm still finishing my education, although it is an advanced degree. I just feel...behind a lot. At the same time, I try to remind myself that I've overcome so much to get where I am. I'm proud of myself.

I'm about to move into a new apartment. I'll be finished with my M.A. in March. I can afford the bills that I have. I'm doing ok. I think I'm setting a good example for my brother, which is something I strive for. I want him to be better than me.

I'm not married, nor am I close, and that's ok. Growing up, I always thought I was supposed to be married and on my way to kids by now. My mom and dad had me by the time they were 26, so I always viewed that as the norm. I've grown to realize there is no norm. Do I want love and happiness? Kids? Of course I do. Hell, I can't wait to get to that point. But I'm in no rush.

All in all, I plan on enjoying 28. I have goals I want to accomplish, and I'm on my way to doing that. I have good people in my circle. I've got love and support from friends, and I'm excited about seeing what life has in store for me.

Y'all be easy.

Recovery

*walks into blog post singing*

"I've had some good days. I've had some hiiiiiiiilllllllssss to cliiiimmmb. I've had some.....weary days. AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDD....some sleepless nights."

Ok..I'm chillin' lol.

Seriously...this past summer has been such an emotional rollercoaster, and I don't know how well I'm handling it. Most days, I'm ok. I try to keep myself busy to avoid thinking about things, but of course that doesn't always work. Some days there just isn't enough to occupy my mind. Others, the thoughts just bogard their way in.

I'm trying my best to bounce back...to recover. Usually when I feel like I've taken a step forward in progress, something happens that knocks me back to steps emotionally.

Overall, I'm very closed off emotionally. I don't open up FULLY to many people. As far as women...I think I can honestly say I've only done that twice. Both times have resulted in getting my emotional ass kicked. Both times, the hurt after have been stark reminders of exactly why I give the equivalent of a limp, clammy handshake when it comes to sharing my emotions.

Most of my life I've always been an advocate of love and relationships...and at heart I still believe I am. I've always been a hopeless romantic and a believer of fairy tail endings. As I speed towards my 28th birthday in a few days, I'm realizing that I'm becoming much more a cynic than anything.

I still want a great relationship. I still want to find a great woman who I can spend my life with. However, it has also become very realistic to me that not everyone ends up married with a family. I know I'm young and have plenty of time...I know. But THAT reality has never been my reality. Maybe that's not what relationships are? I don't know.

It's rough out here in these relationship streets! In the mean time between time, I'm just trying to focus on me. Trying to better me. Trying to repair me. I don't want to be broken when the next great opportunity comes along. I've still got a lot of growth in me...and I'm striving to reach my full potential.

Y'all be easy.

The Pursuit of Happiness

I saw a tweet yesterday morning that really struck a chord and resonated with me. It was something that was retweeted onto my timeline and originated by someone I didn't follow, but nonetheless, it hit home.

Initially I just began tweeting some random thoughts from my personal experiences, but as usual I ended up on my Twitter "soap box". I thought what I said and what was said by some others that I follow could be useful for others to read and possibly help them along with their journey, so I decided to blog them here.

I don't want a perfect woman. I want a woman who is made perfect for me through her life's experiences and personal growth. This is important. Too many people are trying to avoid relationships because they haven't reached their ideal view of perfection. Often times, your (potential) mate isn't asking for perfection. They're simply asking for you. 

We don't live in an age anymore where it's important to couples to grow together spiritually, financially, etc. Everyone is striving to have "their stuff together" before they settle down. In a facetious but serious way, I blame the "independent woman" era. That "era" has lead women to shift focus from finding a husband as well as a career, to simply finding a career. If a husband comes along, great, but if not, that's fine too.

That "era" also gave women this sense of arrogance that if you don't have what I have (tangibly) right now, you can't do anything for me. 

*cues Janet Jackson's "What Have You Done For Me Lately?"*

This leads men to feeling that they have to be perfect in order to get a good woman. That whole thought process, for both men AND women, is ridiculously flawed. I think when a couple has built a life together as opposed to simply combining two lives, they'll fight harder to preserve it. I've never been married before, but compare it to children and toys. Children can be very careless with toys someone else bought for them. When they're forced to spend their own money on it, they value it much more.


Personally, I want a woman who supports me working towards my individual goals, and fights just as hard as me to achieve our joint ones.

This leads me to that ever so elusive pursuit of happiness.  In general, folks prevent their own happiness and don't even realize it. Classic example: You meet a guy who you think is attractive. He treats you nicely and you have great chemistry with him, but he works at _______. Or he doesn't have $x in his 401k. 

Or...

You meet a woman who supports you, motivates you, but doesn't have _______. 

Really? Get over yourselves.

Through a conversation with my favorite woman in the world (Mom dukes!) I realized that currently I am terrified of commitment. When I choose to love someone, I love hard and pure. That goes for relationships, family, friends, etc. I've realized that I get that from her. Can't everyone handle that because not enough people have been loved the right way. When they are they get scared because they don't recognize it.

Well I have some advice (for myself included). Get out of your own way. It took me a long time to learn this. When you're in your own way, you don't only hurt yourself. You hurt others. Oftentimes it's those closest to you who only wish to love you right. 

One of these days all of you running from happiness will run out of breath. Then you'll realize how much time you've wasted running. 

Y'all be easy.

Quote of the Day: 8/9/2012

Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or to lose.

            -Lyndon B. Johnson

Don't worry about yesterday! It's gone! Focus on what is ahead of you. Your goals and aspirations are what you should strive for...not fixing what happened yesterday! Life is full of speed bumps and sharp curves, but you don't drive looking in the mirror, you look through the windshield!

Quote of the Day: 8/8/2012

Change your thoughts and you change your world. 

        - Norman Vincent Peale

You'd be surprised just how much viewing something differently can influence your outlook on life. This quote definitely falls into the "power of positive thinking" category, and hits home for me. I'm trying to change my thoughts with regards to several areas in my life with hopes that those areas will improve!