When Will Black Men Stand Up For Our Black Women?

(This was originally a conversation on my twitter page. See here for a link to the posts.)

So...I have a blog in my heart I need to get out. The topic is how we as black men support our black women.

So when it comes to standing up for/beside/behind black men, women step up to the plate every time.Black men? We don't. And that makes me ashamed man. Why can't we be better about that? We have to be. 

Frankly, as black men we all should be ashamed at the collective effort to support our black women.You know how rough they have it? They are black AND women. Double whammy. Twitter is a perfect microcosm of what goes on in the real world. Black men stand by while our black women are drug through the mud. And I know this is a highly debated topic, but patriarchy is a big cause if this.

We've got to be better, myself included. It starts with standing up for our black women against other black men. So many black men are conditioned to mistreat black women to the point they are conditioned to accept it. Sad state of affairs.

It's...depressing.

Yet our black women are there right behind us...supporting us nonetheless. Take care of home. Black women are home. And we are leaving that house to fend for itself. I've spent so much time looking and analyzing...shaking my head and observing. I've pushed and supported the black women in MY life. I can and should be doing more.

Black women are out here putting their neck on the line in support of us. We may not be the ones cutting them off, but we damn sure sharpen the tool. And who is holding black men accountable? No one. When we should be self-policing. We outchea just standing by. When has that ever created change?!

Just...be better. And encourage other black women around you to be better. If enough of us start supporting our black women, standing up for our black women, it'll become contagious. There are not enough black men out here standing up. Black women do it all the time and it seems to fall on deaf ears. Maybe if more black men talk about it the message will come across.

As always...black women, you all are so damn wonderful. Know that.

Y'all be easy.

My Love Letter to Black Women

I was recently tasked by a Twitter friend to write a love letter to black women. I've actually been putting off writing this because I wasn't sure exactly what to say. It's not that I have nothing to say, it's that so much comes to mind that it's kind of hard to sort it all out. There's so much TO BE said, but I don't want to drone on and on. So...here goes. Nothing long...

Dear BW,

You are the most amazing of God's creations to me. Daily I see examples of women exuding the purest form of many adjectives we assign to people: beauty, strength, power, resilience. To me, you are the walking example of how God intended for woman to be; you're a walking example of those adjectives.

It saddens me that the world doesn't see you the same. The world sees beauty as Jennifer Aniston. The world sees power as Hillary Clinton. The world paints the black woman as ugly, irate, angry, needy, and undesirable. What's even sadder, is not only when black men start to believe this of black women, but when black women start to believe this of themselves.

Iyanla Vanzant once said, "Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth."

It's up to all of us to reaffirm your awesomeness. To let you AND the world know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are incomparable. So this is my pledge to you. I pledge to tell you that you are beautiful when the world decides you aren't. I pledge to be your support when the world has tried to knock you down a notch. I pledge to be a voice when the world tries to silence yours. And I pledge to fight for and with you. And when I'm lucky enough to be blessed with one of you as a life partner? I pledge to never take that for granted. I firmly believe that nobody loves another like a black woman loves a black man.

"We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth."

Together, the possibilities are endless and infinite. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are powerful. You are resilient. You are a beautiful black woman.

Love,

~Noble

Getting to Know You...

As I get older, I realize more and more, how trivial, monotonous and ... well ... tiring that dating is. It's easier to see as I age how people end up in relationships and married to people that they aren't completely happy with. It's simply because they've developed a comfort zone with them. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying that I can see how it happens.

Anyway...

As we all know, there are stages when it comes to dating. What I'm here to talk about is the "Getting to know you" stage. It's a catch-22 for me. I love learning about people. I'm curious by nature and I love asking questions, learning about a person's history, what makes them who they are, etc. Hell, it's part of the reason I went into journalism in undergrad.

At the same time, it gets old. Each time you get to know someone, you're in some way developing feelings about that person along the way. When you've gotten to know someone deeper than surface level, but it doesn't work out, it feels like you've wasted time. That feeling of wasting time gets old.

For some, instead of wasting time, they'd rather stay to themselves.

As I grow older, I so look forward to falling in love, getting married, building a family, and a legacy. But each time I give my time to getting to know someone and it doesn't work out, I lose a little bit of patience, and the prospect of those things happening grows dimmer. I know I'm still young, and that's fine. Age isn't the issue. I suppose the issue is ... patience. It's wearing thin.

I still have hope though, every time I give my time to getting to know someone. And I still give my all because it's only right. I wouldn't want someone to give me less. But, the whole "getting to know you" thing is getting ...

... Old. Y'all be easy.

What Is Love?

I haven't written in awhile, but I wanted to stop by and get some stuff out real quick that's been on my mind for awhile.

Simply stated: I'm confused on what falling in love is supposed to feel like anymore.

I've experienced the whirlwind, movie-like romances, and I've experienced the kind where we had to really work at it, and things didn't come so "easily."

It's funny because those whirlwind romances give you some inclination that that's what  it's supposed to be, and who doesn't want that? The scary part is that just how some of those whirlwind love connections came out of nowhere, some of them disappeared just as quickly. Could this be because the foundation of the relationship wasn't strong enough? Who knows.

Now the relationships where I had to really work at it seemed to last longer. But the whole idea of that comes across as...boring...sometimes. Loving someone and being in a relationship should come easy for the most part right?

Look, I know relationships period are hard work. It takes dedication..resiliency..etc. However, because I've experienced so many different types of relationships, and to this point none of them have worked out, I'm confused on what exactly it's supposed to feel like. And I don't wanna hear the "you know when you know" cliche' because I've thought I knew a couple times. Obviously I was wrong.

I guess you can add this to the heap of other things in my life that I'm confused about at the moment. I always thought growing up that as you got older, you figured out more about life ... that you got more answers. As I've grown through my twenties it seems like I'm only getting more questions.

Y'all be easy.

I'm a Recovering Undercover Overlover...

Healing is such a process. I continue to learn this every day. The crazy thing is just when you begin to think that you've healed some, something pops up to remind you of what you're healing from. It's like ripping the scab off of a sore once it starts healing.

To carry that analogy further....after awhile, a scab stops forming on an open sore. You're forced to have an open and raw sore that just heals eventually with time.

When it comes to healing...sometimes you have to just let your feelings and emotions go raw in order to heal. I know, it seems totally counterproductive, but trust me, it works. Remember when your mom used to tell you, "You don't need a bandaid! Let that oxygen get to it." The same thing applies to your emotions.

Sometimes you just have to...well...live. Take that bandaid off and let the air hit it. Be raw...open. It's ok. It'll heal faster.

Vingt-huit | XXIIX | Veintiocho | Twenty-Eight | 28

I've been 28 for going on a week now and I can honestly say...it hasn't been so bad. For a while I've been fearing nearing age 30. As I get closer, I'm realizing that it's not so bad. The only "eh" thing that's happened is finding 4 more white hairs in my goatee to bring the grand total to 6.


A good friend emailed me today and asked if I ever had feelings of severe inadequacy. The answer is definitely. I'm 28 and haven't gotten into a career yet. I'm still finishing my education, although it is an advanced degree. I just feel...behind a lot. At the same time, I try to remind myself that I've overcome so much to get where I am. I'm proud of myself.

I'm about to move into a new apartment. I'll be finished with my M.A. in March. I can afford the bills that I have. I'm doing ok. I think I'm setting a good example for my brother, which is something I strive for. I want him to be better than me.

I'm not married, nor am I close, and that's ok. Growing up, I always thought I was supposed to be married and on my way to kids by now. My mom and dad had me by the time they were 26, so I always viewed that as the norm. I've grown to realize there is no norm. Do I want love and happiness? Kids? Of course I do. Hell, I can't wait to get to that point. But I'm in no rush.

All in all, I plan on enjoying 28. I have goals I want to accomplish, and I'm on my way to doing that. I have good people in my circle. I've got love and support from friends, and I'm excited about seeing what life has in store for me.

Y'all be easy.

Recovery

*walks into blog post singing*

"I've had some good days. I've had some hiiiiiiiilllllllssss to cliiiimmmb. I've had some.....weary days. AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDD....some sleepless nights."

Ok..I'm chillin' lol.

Seriously...this past summer has been such an emotional rollercoaster, and I don't know how well I'm handling it. Most days, I'm ok. I try to keep myself busy to avoid thinking about things, but of course that doesn't always work. Some days there just isn't enough to occupy my mind. Others, the thoughts just bogard their way in.

I'm trying my best to bounce back...to recover. Usually when I feel like I've taken a step forward in progress, something happens that knocks me back to steps emotionally.

Overall, I'm very closed off emotionally. I don't open up FULLY to many people. As far as women...I think I can honestly say I've only done that twice. Both times have resulted in getting my emotional ass kicked. Both times, the hurt after have been stark reminders of exactly why I give the equivalent of a limp, clammy handshake when it comes to sharing my emotions.

Most of my life I've always been an advocate of love and relationships...and at heart I still believe I am. I've always been a hopeless romantic and a believer of fairy tail endings. As I speed towards my 28th birthday in a few days, I'm realizing that I'm becoming much more a cynic than anything.

I still want a great relationship. I still want to find a great woman who I can spend my life with. However, it has also become very realistic to me that not everyone ends up married with a family. I know I'm young and have plenty of time...I know. But THAT reality has never been my reality. Maybe that's not what relationships are? I don't know.

It's rough out here in these relationship streets! In the mean time between time, I'm just trying to focus on me. Trying to better me. Trying to repair me. I don't want to be broken when the next great opportunity comes along. I've still got a lot of growth in me...and I'm striving to reach my full potential.

Y'all be easy.

The Pursuit of Happiness

I saw a tweet yesterday morning that really struck a chord and resonated with me. It was something that was retweeted onto my timeline and originated by someone I didn't follow, but nonetheless, it hit home.

Initially I just began tweeting some random thoughts from my personal experiences, but as usual I ended up on my Twitter "soap box". I thought what I said and what was said by some others that I follow could be useful for others to read and possibly help them along with their journey, so I decided to blog them here.

I don't want a perfect woman. I want a woman who is made perfect for me through her life's experiences and personal growth. This is important. Too many people are trying to avoid relationships because they haven't reached their ideal view of perfection. Often times, your (potential) mate isn't asking for perfection. They're simply asking for you. 

We don't live in an age anymore where it's important to couples to grow together spiritually, financially, etc. Everyone is striving to have "their stuff together" before they settle down. In a facetious but serious way, I blame the "independent woman" era. That "era" has lead women to shift focus from finding a husband as well as a career, to simply finding a career. If a husband comes along, great, but if not, that's fine too.

That "era" also gave women this sense of arrogance that if you don't have what I have (tangibly) right now, you can't do anything for me. 

*cues Janet Jackson's "What Have You Done For Me Lately?"*

This leads men to feeling that they have to be perfect in order to get a good woman. That whole thought process, for both men AND women, is ridiculously flawed. I think when a couple has built a life together as opposed to simply combining two lives, they'll fight harder to preserve it. I've never been married before, but compare it to children and toys. Children can be very careless with toys someone else bought for them. When they're forced to spend their own money on it, they value it much more.


Personally, I want a woman who supports me working towards my individual goals, and fights just as hard as me to achieve our joint ones.

This leads me to that ever so elusive pursuit of happiness.  In general, folks prevent their own happiness and don't even realize it. Classic example: You meet a guy who you think is attractive. He treats you nicely and you have great chemistry with him, but he works at _______. Or he doesn't have $x in his 401k. 

Or...

You meet a woman who supports you, motivates you, but doesn't have _______. 

Really? Get over yourselves.

Through a conversation with my favorite woman in the world (Mom dukes!) I realized that currently I am terrified of commitment. When I choose to love someone, I love hard and pure. That goes for relationships, family, friends, etc. I've realized that I get that from her. Can't everyone handle that because not enough people have been loved the right way. When they are they get scared because they don't recognize it.

Well I have some advice (for myself included). Get out of your own way. It took me a long time to learn this. When you're in your own way, you don't only hurt yourself. You hurt others. Oftentimes it's those closest to you who only wish to love you right. 

One of these days all of you running from happiness will run out of breath. Then you'll realize how much time you've wasted running. 

Y'all be easy.