The Power of Positive Thinking

While I was driving to work today, I did some serious thinking. For so long I've felt stuck in this rut and never felt like I'd make it out of it. I've decided to fundamentally change that.

People always talk about speaking positivity into your life. I have to start doing that. So from this point forward I'm going to make an ardent attempt to speak positivity over myself. I'm declaring certain things for myself in hopes that they will come to fruition.

First of all, I'm speaking a new job into my life. And I'm speaking this job up before my birthday: September 29. And it's going to be a well paying job in my career field, where I can not only gain valuable experience, but learn and grow. I want this, and it will be mine!

I know I will still have my down days ... my days where I don't feel like getting out of bed. But I'm going to fight this with positivity. There are better days ahead!

Live Your Life

So, I don't normally enter contests and the like, but I decided to enter one that is through my job.

It's called the "Live Your Life" campaign. Do I expect to win? Eh. I just want to have a good showing. With that said, I'd really appreciate your vote. You can vote once a day, so I'd really appreciate it if you took the time to vote and continue to vote for ya boy. Just hit this link and it'll take you right to my profile https://live.ae.com/#/entries/3452

That page will also give you an idea of who I am, and what I like to do. Check it out! And vote!

"In Order to Survive, Gotta Learn to Live With Regrets..."

"This is the number one rule for your set, in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets."

Regrets...who doesn't have them? I don't care what any person says, if there was a way for one to go back and change something ... anything in their past, I truly believe everyone would jump at the opportunity. For some, it may be "the one that got away," or a bad financial decision, or telling a loved one something before they died, or even passing on the opportunity to meet someone.

For me? I would have started my post-secondary education differently.

If you read my last blog, you've already learned that for a long time I've struggled with knowing what my passion was, and what I wanted to be. This started early.

I graduated high school in the spring of 2002. In hindsight, I remember feeling very overwhelming my senior year. Back then, I was all about appearances, and what people thought of me mattered quite a bit, though you would have never seen me admit it. My actions spoke otherwise.

In high school, my career path was aimed at the military. I was in AFJROTC, and during my senior year of high school, I earned an Air Force ROTC 3-year scholarship to the school of my choice. This meant my schooling was more or less taken care of. During the application process you have to choose your major, and I chose electrical engineering. In hindsight, I realize that I chose that major because I was taking the easy way out. I was afraid. I didn't have enough confidence in myself. I chose electrical engineering because I'd read that's what the military needed most. I figured I wouldn't get turned down for the scholarship if I chose that major. 

I was dead set on attending the University of Southern California for college. I didn't, however, think I'd get in. I remember going to an informational and seeing some other friends from other schools who I KNEW for a fact had better grades than I. When I saw how nervous they were, I resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't be going to school there.

I had also applied to Grambling State, University of Missouri-Columbia, Tennessee State, and my second choice, Howard University. I got into all of these universities. I chose Howard because my father lived in Baltimore and it would be a chance to get to know him more. I had visited DC and loved the city as well. Howard was also my only real exposure to HBCU's as I'd been to several "Classics" football games.

I remember my mom being so proud man. I used to be frustrated because it seemed she shared my good news with folks before I could. Hearing how proud she was of me, man. I felt so much pressure. I got to Howard, and I loved it there. The atmosphere was like none I've ever experienced. I wouldn't regret choosing to go there for anything. 

However, I wasn't ready. I probably should have stayed local for awhile before I went away to school, but for reasons I'll blog about some other time, I wanted to get as far away from home as possible. I started well, but after awhile, I skipped classes, partied way too much, and basically just didn't handle my business. I ended up flunking out of Howard. I felt like I'd let everyone down man, especially my mother. 

It has taken me a long time to get over that, and in a lot of ways, it still haunts me. I regret every day failing out of school, even now that I have my degree and am working on my Master's. But you have to learn how to accept and live with those regrets. You have to figure a way to use those regrets as motivation to do better ... to be better. You have to gain understanding that just because you develop a plan for how your life will go, the chances of your life actually following the plan that you set forth are slim to nil. Most importantly, you have to understand that THAT'S OK. 

It's taken me so long to understand that it's ok to fail. Failure is definitely not the end. And having regrets is perfectly normal. Just don't become consumed by them. Build on them. Use them as stepping stones to something better. 

"...On the...rise to the top, never drop, don't forget, in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets."

Y'all be easy.

I'm a Recovering Undercover Overlover...

Healing is such a process. I continue to learn this every day. The crazy thing is just when you begin to think that you've healed some, something pops up to remind you of what you're healing from. It's like ripping the scab off of a sore once it starts healing.

To carry that analogy further....after awhile, a scab stops forming on an open sore. You're forced to have an open and raw sore that just heals eventually with time.

When it comes to healing...sometimes you have to just let your feelings and emotions go raw in order to heal. I know, it seems totally counterproductive, but trust me, it works. Remember when your mom used to tell you, "You don't need a bandaid! Let that oxygen get to it." The same thing applies to your emotions.

Sometimes you just have to...well...live. Take that bandaid off and let the air hit it. Be raw...open. It's ok. It'll heal faster.

Vingt-huit | XXIIX | Veintiocho | Twenty-Eight | 28

I've been 28 for going on a week now and I can honestly say...it hasn't been so bad. For a while I've been fearing nearing age 30. As I get closer, I'm realizing that it's not so bad. The only "eh" thing that's happened is finding 4 more white hairs in my goatee to bring the grand total to 6.


A good friend emailed me today and asked if I ever had feelings of severe inadequacy. The answer is definitely. I'm 28 and haven't gotten into a career yet. I'm still finishing my education, although it is an advanced degree. I just feel...behind a lot. At the same time, I try to remind myself that I've overcome so much to get where I am. I'm proud of myself.

I'm about to move into a new apartment. I'll be finished with my M.A. in March. I can afford the bills that I have. I'm doing ok. I think I'm setting a good example for my brother, which is something I strive for. I want him to be better than me.

I'm not married, nor am I close, and that's ok. Growing up, I always thought I was supposed to be married and on my way to kids by now. My mom and dad had me by the time they were 26, so I always viewed that as the norm. I've grown to realize there is no norm. Do I want love and happiness? Kids? Of course I do. Hell, I can't wait to get to that point. But I'm in no rush.

All in all, I plan on enjoying 28. I have goals I want to accomplish, and I'm on my way to doing that. I have good people in my circle. I've got love and support from friends, and I'm excited about seeing what life has in store for me.

Y'all be easy.

Recovery

*walks into blog post singing*

"I've had some good days. I've had some hiiiiiiiilllllllssss to cliiiimmmb. I've had some.....weary days. AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDD....some sleepless nights."

Ok..I'm chillin' lol.

Seriously...this past summer has been such an emotional rollercoaster, and I don't know how well I'm handling it. Most days, I'm ok. I try to keep myself busy to avoid thinking about things, but of course that doesn't always work. Some days there just isn't enough to occupy my mind. Others, the thoughts just bogard their way in.

I'm trying my best to bounce back...to recover. Usually when I feel like I've taken a step forward in progress, something happens that knocks me back to steps emotionally.

Overall, I'm very closed off emotionally. I don't open up FULLY to many people. As far as women...I think I can honestly say I've only done that twice. Both times have resulted in getting my emotional ass kicked. Both times, the hurt after have been stark reminders of exactly why I give the equivalent of a limp, clammy handshake when it comes to sharing my emotions.

Most of my life I've always been an advocate of love and relationships...and at heart I still believe I am. I've always been a hopeless romantic and a believer of fairy tail endings. As I speed towards my 28th birthday in a few days, I'm realizing that I'm becoming much more a cynic than anything.

I still want a great relationship. I still want to find a great woman who I can spend my life with. However, it has also become very realistic to me that not everyone ends up married with a family. I know I'm young and have plenty of time...I know. But THAT reality has never been my reality. Maybe that's not what relationships are? I don't know.

It's rough out here in these relationship streets! In the mean time between time, I'm just trying to focus on me. Trying to better me. Trying to repair me. I don't want to be broken when the next great opportunity comes along. I've still got a lot of growth in me...and I'm striving to reach my full potential.

Y'all be easy.

The Pursuit of Happiness

I saw a tweet yesterday morning that really struck a chord and resonated with me. It was something that was retweeted onto my timeline and originated by someone I didn't follow, but nonetheless, it hit home.

Initially I just began tweeting some random thoughts from my personal experiences, but as usual I ended up on my Twitter "soap box". I thought what I said and what was said by some others that I follow could be useful for others to read and possibly help them along with their journey, so I decided to blog them here.

I don't want a perfect woman. I want a woman who is made perfect for me through her life's experiences and personal growth. This is important. Too many people are trying to avoid relationships because they haven't reached their ideal view of perfection. Often times, your (potential) mate isn't asking for perfection. They're simply asking for you. 

We don't live in an age anymore where it's important to couples to grow together spiritually, financially, etc. Everyone is striving to have "their stuff together" before they settle down. In a facetious but serious way, I blame the "independent woman" era. That "era" has lead women to shift focus from finding a husband as well as a career, to simply finding a career. If a husband comes along, great, but if not, that's fine too.

That "era" also gave women this sense of arrogance that if you don't have what I have (tangibly) right now, you can't do anything for me. 

*cues Janet Jackson's "What Have You Done For Me Lately?"*

This leads men to feeling that they have to be perfect in order to get a good woman. That whole thought process, for both men AND women, is ridiculously flawed. I think when a couple has built a life together as opposed to simply combining two lives, they'll fight harder to preserve it. I've never been married before, but compare it to children and toys. Children can be very careless with toys someone else bought for them. When they're forced to spend their own money on it, they value it much more.


Personally, I want a woman who supports me working towards my individual goals, and fights just as hard as me to achieve our joint ones.

This leads me to that ever so elusive pursuit of happiness.  In general, folks prevent their own happiness and don't even realize it. Classic example: You meet a guy who you think is attractive. He treats you nicely and you have great chemistry with him, but he works at _______. Or he doesn't have $x in his 401k. 

Or...

You meet a woman who supports you, motivates you, but doesn't have _______. 

Really? Get over yourselves.

Through a conversation with my favorite woman in the world (Mom dukes!) I realized that currently I am terrified of commitment. When I choose to love someone, I love hard and pure. That goes for relationships, family, friends, etc. I've realized that I get that from her. Can't everyone handle that because not enough people have been loved the right way. When they are they get scared because they don't recognize it.

Well I have some advice (for myself included). Get out of your own way. It took me a long time to learn this. When you're in your own way, you don't only hurt yourself. You hurt others. Oftentimes it's those closest to you who only wish to love you right. 

One of these days all of you running from happiness will run out of breath. Then you'll realize how much time you've wasted running. 

Y'all be easy.

Quote of the Day: 8/9/2012

Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or to lose.

            -Lyndon B. Johnson

Don't worry about yesterday! It's gone! Focus on what is ahead of you. Your goals and aspirations are what you should strive for...not fixing what happened yesterday! Life is full of speed bumps and sharp curves, but you don't drive looking in the mirror, you look through the windshield!

Quote of the Day: 8/8/2012

Change your thoughts and you change your world. 

        - Norman Vincent Peale

You'd be surprised just how much viewing something differently can influence your outlook on life. This quote definitely falls into the "power of positive thinking" category, and hits home for me. I'm trying to change my thoughts with regards to several areas in my life with hopes that those areas will improve!