Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts

Monday, July 28, 2014

When Will Black Men Stand Up For Our Black Women?

(This was originally a conversation on my twitter page. See here for a link to the posts.)


So...I have a blog in my heart I need to get out. The topic is how we as black men support our black women.


So when it comes to standing up for/beside/behind black men, women step up to the plate every time.Black men? We don't. And that makes me ashamed man. Why can't we be better about that? We have to be. 

Frankly, as black men we all should be ashamed at the collective effort to support our black women.You know how rough they have it? They are black AND women. Double whammy. Twitter is a perfect microcosm of what goes on in the real world. Black men stand by while our black women are drug through the mud. And I know this is a highly debated topic, but patriarchy is a big cause if this.

We've got to be better, myself included. It starts with standing up for our black women against other black men. So many black men are conditioned to mistreat black women to the point they are conditioned to accept it. Sad state of affairs.
It's...depressing.

Yet our black women are there right behind us...supporting us nonetheless. Take care of home. Black women are home. And we are leaving that house to fend for itself. I've spent so much time looking and analyzing...shaking my head and observing. I've pushed and supported the black women in MY life. I can and should be doing more.

Black women are out here putting their neck on the line in support of us. We may not be the ones cutting them off, but we damn sure sharpen the tool. And who is holding black men accountable? No one. When we should be self-policing. We outchea just standing by. When has that ever created change?!

Just...be better. And encourage other black women around you to be better. If enough of us start supporting our black women, standing up for our black women, it'll become contagious. There are not enough black men out here standing up. Black women do it all the time and it seems to fall on deaf ears. Maybe if more black men talk about it the message will come across.

As always...black women, you all are so damn wonderful. Know that.
Y'all be easy.









Friday, January 31, 2014

Beneath the Surface: 11 Things Women Do That Men Find Attractive

Huffington Post: Women recently released a list of 11 things that men do, that women find attractive. As a man who is always trying to grow my appeal to the opposite sex, this immediately interested me, so I questioned my Twitter followers about the validity of some of the things on the list. This encouraged further conversation about the nonsexual things that men do, that women found attractive.

In an attempt at reciprocation, I also questioned the men on my timeline about the nonsexual things that women do, that men find attractive. For those of you that do follow me on Twitter, you know that I'm trying to make 2014 all about positivity. In an attempt to feed into that, my goal was to create 11 things that women do, that men find attractive. After scouring, reading, and rereading all of the replies I got yesterday (which were in the hundreds, and continued into today), I have narrowed all of the answers down to the best and most popular 11.

Without further ado...
11 Things that Women Do That Men Find Attractive

11.) Concentrate: This ranged from watching a woman do homework/study to watching her put on makeup in the mirror. Watching a woman use her brain is endearing and sexy.

10.) Exercise: Knowing a woman not only cares about her personal appearance, but her overall health is important to men. We all know men are visual creatures. A woman going the extra mile to maintain her appearance definitely catches a man's attention. Also, it's fun to watch!


 9.) Show Independence: Knowing a woman has her own life and isn't dependent upon a man is important to men. One reason is that it shows we won't be nagged for our time constantly. A woman who has her own also shows a man that she knows how to take care of her business!

 8.) Listen: As men, we aren't especially prone to talk about our personal feelings/thoughts on frequent occasion. Having a woman who knows when to listen to us without objecting or challenging is important. If we know you're listening, we're more likely to share. Listening also shows the woman has interest in not only what we have to say, but the things we take interest in.

 7.) Get Dressed (Up): This is especially endearing because a part of us feels like you're going the extra mile to look good for us men. There's nothing like watching a woman go through each meticulous step getting dressed up to make sure she looks absolutely perfect and swoon-worthy.


 6.) Having Ambition/Goals: Having ambition and goals let's a man know that he can grow with you. It let's him know that if he's in a relationship with you, it won't become stagnant because as a couple you'll always be striving for new heights. Knowing we can build with you is important.

 5.) Encourage & Support: For many men, this is number one. Men are expected to always exhibit strength and control. If there's one place we need to know we can be soft, it's with the woman in our lives. We're always expected to exhibit confidence to the world, so knowing we have someone in our corner who KNOWS we can do anything, and pushes us correctly to achieve is paramount.


 4.) Show a Sense of Humor: There's not many things more endearing than a woman who can find the humor in life/doesn't take things too seriously. Being able to share a nice hearty laugh can go a long way in endearing a man to a woman. Men can be playful. We need to know that you'll play along! Also, being able to dish those jokes back out gets you bonus points!

 3.) Read: As one tweeter said, there is nothing sexier than a woman with a book in her hand. Reading broadens your horizons, improves your spelling & grammar, informs, and teaches. Reading can be a show of intelligence, and it's definitely one that men notice.


 2.) Cook: Yeah, I know it sounds cliche', but being able to cook stands out to us. This is especially true if it comes easy and naturally to you. Watching a woman move about a kitchen in her own world effortlessly preparing a meal with love is a beautiful thing. Knowing that you've put your love and time into satisfying a man with your food goes a long way. As the old adage says, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

and finally ...

 1.) Laugh/Smile: This was by far the most offered response from the fellas on Twitter. Ladies, your smiles can light up a room, drastically improve a mood, and make everything in your man's world seem okay. The only thing that's even comparable to the beauty of a woman's laugh is a child's laugh. A woman's smile can move mountains, stop time, brighten the darkness, stop rain, and fix problems.


So these were the top 11 things that women do that men find attractive. Fellas, are there any other things you'd add to this list? Ladies, did you learn anything new here? What are some endearing things your partner does? Feel free to leave comments below and let me know your thoughts!

Thursday, August 15, 2013

The Liking Principle



So today on Twitter, the topic came up of flirting, and the interaction between men and women when it comes to compliments.

 After running through several subtopics, I was talking about how one should go about complimenting the opposite sex. It dawned on me that a lot of what I was saying related to something I learned in grad school, which was Cialdini's Six Principles of Persuasion ... more specifically, the "Liking" principle.

In short, Cialdini's "Liking" principle states that we are more easily influenced by people that we like. There are several factors that affect liking, including physical attractiveness, similarity, compliments, contact and cooperation, and conditioning. When talking about flirting, the most important are physical attractiveness and compliments.

The way you put this into practice is finding something to like about the person you'd like to influence. Make sure whatever it is you "like" is tailored to that specific person, ie. meaningful and sincere. If you aren't sincere and meaningful with your "like," or compliment, it will come across as you simply wanting something from that person (even if that's true!).

When you compliment the opposite sex, don't use general compliments like "You're sexy/beautiful." Be specific! Compliment what makes you feel like that person is beautiful/sexy: "You have an amazing smile," or "Your hair looks really good today!" or even, "You have beautiful skin." You don't want to "like" something sexual too soon, so you want to avoid talking about butts, breasts, lips, and hips, unless your relationship dictates that level of comfort.

Fellas, one trick to flirting that works well is sincerely complimenting a woman, then walking away. So many women are used to every man that compliments them trying to "holla" at them. If you simply compliment them, then leave, it peaks their interest! Women are naturally curious, so they'll wonder just why you didn't want to ask for their number. Now I'm not saying every woman you compliment will approach you in return, but I will say your success rate will probably increase. This is a great example of the liking rule, in that you've "liked" something about her first, so she's more likely to be open to liking you.



If you don't act thirsty for a woman, you will probably come across a lot more attractive to said woman. Personally, this is why I say most of my flirting is not sincere. Usually if I'm interested in you, I won't flirt with you. It might even seem like I'm not interested in you in that manner, because I don't flirt as much. Or should I say it's a different kind of flirting.

Y'all be easy!




Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I'm a Recovering Undercover Overlover...

Healing is such a process. I continue to learn this every day. The crazy thing is just when you begin to think that you've healed some, something pops up to remind you of what you're healing from. It's like ripping the scab off of a sore once it starts healing.

To carry that analogy further....after awhile, a scab stops forming on an open sore. You're forced to have an open and raw sore that just heals eventually with time.

When it comes to healing...sometimes you have to just let your feelings and emotions go raw in order to heal. I know, it seems totally counterproductive, but trust me, it works. Remember when your mom used to tell you, "You don't need a bandaid! Let that oxygen get to it." The same thing applies to your emotions.

Sometimes you just have to...well...live. Take that bandaid off and let the air hit it. Be raw...open. It's ok. It'll heal faster.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Vingt-huit | XXIIX | Veintiocho | Twenty-Eight | 28

I've been 28 for going on a week now and I can honestly say...it hasn't been so bad. For a while I've been fearing nearing age 30. As I get closer, I'm realizing that it's not so bad. The only "eh" thing that's happened is finding 4 more white hairs in my goatee to bring the grand total to 6.


A good friend emailed me today and asked if I ever had feelings of severe inadequacy. The answer is definitely. I'm 28 and haven't gotten into a career yet. I'm still finishing my education, although it is an advanced degree. I just feel...behind a lot. At the same time, I try to remind myself that I've overcome so much to get where I am. I'm proud of myself.

I'm about to move into a new apartment. I'll be finished with my M.A. in March. I can afford the bills that I have. I'm doing ok. I think I'm setting a good example for my brother, which is something I strive for. I want him to be better than me.

I'm not married, nor am I close, and that's ok. Growing up, I always thought I was supposed to be married and on my way to kids by now. My mom and dad had me by the time they were 26, so I always viewed that as the norm. I've grown to realize there is no norm. Do I want love and happiness? Kids? Of course I do. Hell, I can't wait to get to that point. But I'm in no rush.

All in all, I plan on enjoying 28. I have goals I want to accomplish, and I'm on my way to doing that. I have good people in my circle. I've got love and support from friends, and I'm excited about seeing what life has in store for me.

Y'all be easy.


Monday, September 24, 2012

Recovery

*walks into blog post singing*

"I've had some good days. I've had some hiiiiiiiilllllllssss to cliiiimmmb. I've had some.....weary days. AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDD....some sleepless nights."

Ok..I'm chillin' lol.

Seriously...this past summer has been such an emotional rollercoaster, and I don't know how well I'm handling it. Most days, I'm ok. I try to keep myself busy to avoid thinking about things, but of course that doesn't always work. Some days there just isn't enough to occupy my mind. Others, the thoughts just bogard their way in.

I'm trying my best to bounce back...to recover. Usually when I feel like I've taken a step forward in progress, something happens that knocks me back to steps emotionally.

Overall, I'm very closed off emotionally. I don't open up FULLY to many people. As far as women...I think I can honestly say I've only done that twice. Both times have resulted in getting my emotional ass kicked. Both times, the hurt after have been stark reminders of exactly why I give the equivalent of a limp, clammy handshake when it comes to sharing my emotions.

Most of my life I've always been an advocate of love and relationships...and at heart I still believe I am. I've always been a hopeless romantic and a believer of fairy tail endings. As I speed towards my 28th birthday in a few days, I'm realizing that I'm becoming much more a cynic than anything.

I still want a great relationship. I still want to find a great woman who I can spend my life with. However, it has also become very realistic to me that not everyone ends up married with a family. I know I'm young and have plenty of time...I know. But THAT reality has never been my reality. Maybe that's not what relationships are? I don't know.

It's rough out here in these relationship streets! In the mean time between time, I'm just trying to focus on me. Trying to better me. Trying to repair me. I don't want to be broken when the next great opportunity comes along. I've still got a lot of growth in me...and I'm striving to reach my full potential.

Y'all be easy.


Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Pursuit of Happiness

I saw a tweet yesterday morning that really struck a chord and resonated with me. It was something that was retweeted onto my timeline and originated by someone I didn't follow, but nonetheless, it hit home.


Initially I just began tweeting some random thoughts from my personal experiences, but as usual I ended up on my Twitter "soap box". I thought what I said and what was said by some others that I follow could be useful for others to read and possibly help them along with their journey, so I decided to blog them here.

I don't want a perfect woman. I want a woman who is made perfect for me through her life's experiences and personal growth. This is important. Too many people are trying to avoid relationships because they haven't reached their ideal view of perfection. Often times, your (potential) mate isn't asking for perfection. They're simply asking for you. 

We don't live in an age anymore where it's important to couples to grow together spiritually, financially, etc. Everyone is striving to have "their stuff together" before they settle down. In a facetious but serious way, I blame the "independent woman" era. That "era" has lead women to shift focus from finding a husband as well as a career, to simply finding a career. If a husband comes along, great, but if not, that's fine too.


That "era" also gave women this sense of arrogance that if you don't have what I have (tangibly) right now, you can't do anything for me. 


*cues Janet Jackson's "What Have You Done For Me Lately?"*


This leads men to feeling that they have to be perfect in order to get a good woman. That whole thought process, for both men AND women, is ridiculously flawed. I think when a couple has built a life together as opposed to simply combining two lives, they'll fight harder to preserve it. I've never been married before, but compare it to children and toys. Children can be very careless with toys someone else bought for them. When they're forced to spend their own money on it, they value it much more.



Personally, I want a woman who supports me working towards my individual goals, and fights just as hard as me to achieve our joint ones.


This leads me to that ever so elusive pursuit of happiness.  In general, folks prevent their own happiness and don't even realize it. Classic example: You meet a guy who you think is attractive. He treats you nicely and you have great chemistry with him, but he works at _______. Or he doesn't have $x in his 401k. 


Or...


You meet a woman who supports you, motivates you, but doesn't have _______. 


Really? Get over yourselves.


Through a conversation with my favorite woman in the world (Mom dukes!) I realized that currently I am terrified of commitment. When I choose to love someone, I love hard and pure. That goes for relationships, family, friends, etc. I've realized that I get that from her. Can't everyone handle that because not enough people have been loved the right way. When they are they get scared because they don't recognize it.


Well I have some advice (for myself included). Get out of your own way. It took me a long time to learn this. When you're in your own way, you don't only hurt yourself. You hurt others. Oftentimes it's those closest to you who only wish to love you right. 


One of these days all of you running from happiness will run out of breath. Then you'll realize how much time you've wasted running. 


Y'all be easy.