The Last Fall

The road to genuine interest, to infatuation, to general feelings, to "what is this now" is really tricky. We try to examine every little thing that doesn't happen, and forget to look up and enjoy the limitless possibilities in front of us. We're scared to make the last minute mistake again, we don't want to be wrong anymore, but the fear and doubts cloud our vision. We care more about getting it right than we do each other ... we'd rather fight to prove our point than work together towards a solution. 

We fear the journey happiness requires.

- Rob Hill, Sr.

We spend so much time learning how to avoid getting hurt, but no one ever teaches us how to recover from hurt. Everyone's hurt stems from somewhere. For instance, mine stems from abandonment, I'll go into that a little further later. Some of us learn how to fully process that hurt and pain and past relationship experiences, and let it go. Some learn how to begin to process it, but in some ways still hold on to past hurt and experiences. Some just sweep them under the rug and never deal, then wonder why they have the same reoccurring issues.

Here's the thing. Too many of us are out here trying so hard not to end up with messed up folks in relationships. At a certain point, we become so focused on: 1. Not messing up, but 2. Finding what's not perfect about the other party. We've become so conditioned to trying to find out why a person isn't for you, that we ignore so many reasons as to why they are.

Due to past relationships, familial and non, I always fear people just up and leaving. It doesn't make me clingy, at least I don't think. But it does strike fear in my heart at the first sign of someone distancing their self, because those signs remind me of what I've already been through several times. It's rough. As soon as your pattern of behavior gives me doubts about the future of your presence, I instantly go into defense mode.

Like Phonte once said, "It's hard, but it's real."

I think what it comes down to is no one ever learns about forgiving yourself. Parents teach about forgiving others all the time, but man, forgiving yourself is so important. Forgiving yourself is one of the most integral parts of moving on from hurt and bad experiences. One of the things that bothers us most when we are coming out of a bad situation is that we allowed ourselves to be there in the first place. In hindsight, we know that we deserve better than what we allowed for ourselves.

As I was stating above, everyone's fear when it comes to vulnerability and relationships stems from somewhere. For some it comes from loyalty (or disloyalty), lack of self-esteem, dealing with people who have narcissistic personality disorder, etc. As I said, personally my issues stem from abandonment. Would I say I have abandonment issues? No. But do I have a fear that stems from past "abandonments?" Sure.

I've had prior relationships that were very serious in nature, where for some reason or another, the person decided they didn't want to be a part of my life anymore, and left. Just like that. So it's hard to balance between what is a red flag and what I'm simply overthinking. When you've had past dealings that ended badly, in the future, anything that resembles that occurrence gives you pause. After awhile, you start to feel dumb for even entertaining giving someone the benefit of the doubt. So where does the discernment lie?

How do you decide what should be a red flag, and what is just a random occurrence? Everyone always tells me trust my intuition, but where has that gotten me? To this point. So with each occurrence, MORE alarms me. I'm trying to figure what should and shouldn't. And I try, Lord I try not to project my past onto my present or potential future. But sometimes ... man. There's a certain magic in the strength it takes to exhibit consistent vulnerability.

What gets hard to remember, is that we are all human, and we mess up. Just because we mess up doesn't mean the past is repeating itself. Holding onto that thought is what helps me to keep giving people the benefit of the doubt.

When it comes down to it, I just want my next one to be my best one. I'm tired of getting it wrong with the wrong people. Someone who I don't feel those fears with because we've allowed each other to know each other intimately, and to feel secure in the fact that the past won't repeat itself. Again.

Y'all be easy.

15 Texts I Never Sent...

(I can't claim this one. It was from a post I saw on Tumblr)

It's been 15 months and I still miss you like a limb.

I didn't know my bones could ache until I met you.

You know, a week before we broke up, do you remember?
I bought a book a poetry and you asked why I didn't read something more interesting.
I could feel my inside splinter.

You said poetry was all lies dressed up to sound pretty.
When I look at you these days, I want to ask if sadness sounds pretty to you.

It's 3AM and this alcohol tastes like you.

I saw you staring at me in the store today. I smiled and you didn't smile back.
I almost cried.

The girl who sits next to me in class smells like you.

I miss you.

I've never had so many bad nights.

Sometimes I write poetry about you on the internet.
Strangers who have never met either of us think you're cruel...
...they tell me if they ever had the honor of loving me
they'd never give upon me and you're insane
for walking away.

They think it is beautiful how I am broken.
I don't think they understand.

You used to tell me I was beautiful.
I tried saying it in the mirror the other day,
but it sounded wrong without your mouth wrapped around it.

Everything I say sounds wrong without your mouth wrapped around it.

We didn't last forever, but oh God, we could have.
We could have...

Personology

So a good friend recently sent me a link to a site that gives Personology readings. This is similar to a zodiacal reading, but is technically scientific. The site actually explains it as such:

The material we present here does not come from astrology, rather, it is a distillation of personality trait commonalities found in a 40-year study of the biographies of more than 20,000 people, organized by birthday. Here, we present the most comprehensive and accurate description of human personality ever written.

My friend explained just how accurate a description it gave and how it was so on point, so of course I had to give it a try. I must say, it was so exact, it was scary. I've decided to blog on some of the main points (some more in depth than others), maybe it'll give you guys more of an understanding of who I am.

Though September 29 people can appear dispassionate to the world, they nonetheless arouse strong reactions in others, both good and bad. They must beware of accidents and antagonism which can come their way. In order to get a handle on this danger, September 29 people must sooner or later face the fact that it may be their own repressed emotions which call forth such disturbances. Thus self-understanding is an important commodity for them to cultivate as early in life as possible.

I often have to explain to people that I'm not one to be overly excitable with my emotions, except for when I am. Leave me alone, it makes sense. This definitely comes into play in my relationships. I often have to explain during gift giving seasons that my "lack" of a reaction does not indicate dislike or disinterest. However when I do express myself emotionally, it's like a volcano, and this is probably do to repression of a lot of feelings. So it's a struggle every day to figure out the person I currently am and to walk the direction of the person I'd like to be.

Others often wonder in amazement at how such naturally gifted and highly capable individuals manage to get sidetracked from their true goals and allow success to elude them.

I just...*sigh*. I've been told since I was little how gifted I am...how special I can be. How much potential I have. But I guess I just have never seen what everyone else saw.  I'll...leave it at that.

They have undeniable perfectionist tendencies, which may infuse every area of their lives with a desire to find out what’s wrong and to try to fix it. This theme of putting things right reflects their knowledge and technical know how, and also their conviction that they know what’s best for those around them.

This trait definitely rears it's ugly head when it comes to relationships, friendly and romantic. I'm a fixer, I admit it. I have a desire to make things better for people ... often times sacrificing myself to do so. I also have this innate need to know the "why" behind EVERYTHING. I've always been taught that there's a reason for everything. Growing up I was never allowed to give an answer of "Because." It was always met with, "Because what?" This definitely rubs people who disagree the wrong way.

  In their drive for perfection, they are prone to apply their often mercilessly high standards equally to themselves and to those around them. At the heart of their perfectionism may well lie a voice from their childhood constantly telling them that they aren’t good enough. Their critical attitudes can certainly run out of hand, and this can make them extremely difficult to live with.

I often make the mistake of expecting of others what I would do for them. It's a lesson I've had to learn as I've grown, that everyone doesn't do things how I do them, and that's ok! I can, however, be very demanding in your interactions with me. As for the other part...well...like I said above...

These people have intense personalities and are capable of great achievements. Yet they can be torn by indecision, even spending years trying to make up their minds what course to follow. At times they may put so much time and exertion into a nonproductive effort, perhaps a hobby or a relationship, that they leave themselves little time or energy for more positive endeavors. Highly challenged by problems, they may find it difficult to give up, fail or even admit that they have been wasting their time. 

I hate quitting. I hate feeling like a quitter. Giving up is just as bad as getting beat or losing to me. Unfortunately, this trait appears a lot in my relationships. Often I want to stick and try to make things work that just ... aren't. I don't know when it's time to give up. How do you figure that out?

 Such individuals are usually quite emotionally complex. They often give an impression of coolness that masks a maelstrom of inner emotions. They have a tendency not only to get bottled up inside but to resist the attempts of others to help them out. Mastery of their feelings is usually a high priority for them

This couldn't be more accurate of me. I hate giving control over to my emotions, because then things become irrational. (I could write a whole separate blog on this topic.) I hate giving emotional reactions to things because they are often either overblown, or just plain out wrong. I pride myself on being able to control my emotions effectively. Honestly, this is probably leading to a lot of repression, which isn't healthy. And often I don't want help with expressing my emotions.

Those born during the Week of the Perfectionist have a wry sense of humor and often a biting wit, which can express itself in many forms, but principally in irony and sarcasm. Their humor is not generally intended to hurt, however, or even to make others laugh, but to make them think. They can make scathing criticisms that may wound those close to them deeply, yet they probably don’t fully realize the emotional effects of their statements.  

I often tell people that I have a sharp tongue. I also find myself hurting people's feelings a lot of times with my words, when I absolutely meant no harm whatsoever. And yes, most of my humor is based in sarcasm. My words are often my most dangerous weapon.

Anyway...that's enough about me. If you've gotten this far, this is the type of information that it gives you about yourself, but there's WAAAAAYYY more than I could even begin to explain to you. Your reward if you've made it to the end of this blog is the link. :) Enjoy your Personology!

And I Couldn't Begin...

I couldn't begin to tell you...
How I felt when you looked at me.
And when you described your love my heart melted...
...like how the colors in the sunset melt together creating a beautiful picture. 

And I couldn't begin to tell you...
how that day you told me you couldn't wait to marry me,
You made me the happiest man on earth.
I fell in love with you over and over... with each blink of my eyes. 

I couldn't begin to tell you how when we made love... 

my world stopped revolving around the sun, but chose you instead.
How I lived a life fulfilled with every rising and going down of you. 

And I couldn't begin to tell you
how I wish that Daylight savings time would've happened every day.
Just so you could spring forward into my arms...
... and maybe I could fall back in love with you... 

See...

I couldn't begin to tell you

how I have wanted to erase the art we painted from every canvass in my world.
Go back to the blank slate that was my world before you.
And see... 

I couldn't begin to tell you...
How badly you hurt me. You were AIDS, cancer, arthritis, and broken bones...
All thrown into my mixed bag of emotions.

I couldn't begin to tell you...
How you broke me down like an old car on the side of the road.
Not even Triple-A could fix my heart.
Not when you towed every facet of you out of my life.

So see...I couldn't begin to tell you...
that no matter how much I loved you,
I wish we never painted a life together.
That we'd left our canvas blank,
devoid of any art of hearts to be put on display.

I still love you, but...
I couldn't begin to tell you.

Spiritual Anger

So, I went to church today. I honestly don't quite remember the last time I went. That isn't out of unbelief, or shame. I realized while in church today that it might be out of anger. I'm suppressing an anger I have with God.

If you've read my work before, I've always struggled with my relationship with God. I did a lot of thinking today in church. I paid loose attention to the message today, which was about loving God with all of your strength and all of your soul ... but more than anything I did some thinking.

I've realized that over this past year, I have felt like God has failed me. Like He's let me down. Like He's put me in situations just because, and not for a reason. And I know I know, His ways are not our own and yadda yadda. Regardless of that fact, it has lead to me becoming jaded.

I literally fought back tears today during praise and worship, which is uncommon for me. I'm not an outwardly emotional person, and that's no different when it comes to church. The song was about loving the Lord, and I do love Him. It's just...so frustrating loving while being angry. This year has been filled with heartbreak, financial hardship, rough relationships with people, facing things from my past, etc. In many of those situations I've prayed asking God to show me what's right, to show me the road to travel, to show me who to keep in my life, etc., and unfortunately I don't feel like I was answered, or I don't see the use in what answer was given.

I am mad at God. I feel like I've been left hanging. I feel...ignored. And I hate that feeling.

I know a big part of it is that I need to open my eyes to the bigger picture. I don't like being angry with God, and I'm trying to overcome that. I don't know...

*sigh* I'm rambling.

So...God, I know you're reading this. Where are you man? Show me something...

Y'all be easy.

I'm a Recovering Undercover Overlover...Redux

So...some of you may recall a blog I wrote earlier about healing.

If you don't, take a gander.

In that post I gave the analogy of comparing healing internally to healing a sore externally.

"When it comes to healing...sometimes you have to just let your feelings and emotions go raw in order to heal."

That feeling...that rawness...can be so tough. I try my best not to become spiteful during healing. The Bible says we should forgive, and I've always heard that we should forgive not only for the other person, but to allow ourselves to move past the hurt. Sometimes when you haven't forgiven the person or people who have caused you pain, the healing process is slowed. You come into contact with them in some form or fashion and that scab that was forming over your emotional sores gets ripped back off, and you feel raw again.

I think I have that part down.

But how do you know when you're ready to walk into the fire again? That's what I struggle with. A good friend recently told me that when you want something like that, there's nothing that will keep you from it. I'm guessing that would include past hurts. It should be an easy decision if it's what you want. I don't know that that's what I feel. I don't know that I agree with that. It's not that...black and white for me.

Allow me to tell you a story.
A cute dog is walking down the street. He sees someone sitting on some steps with some snacks, who beckons the dog over. The dog approaches the person happily. The person punches the dog in the snout and the dog runs. 

Further down the street, the dog, now with a couple bruises, sees another person sitting on a porch with some snacks. The person beckons the dog over. Hesitantly, the dog approaches the person holding out the snacks. The person kicks the dog and the dog runs. 

On the next block, while battered and limping, the dog sees a person sitting on the porch with a huge bag of snacks. The person smiles sweetly and beckons the dog over. The  dog stops at the end of the walkway, afraid of approaching for fear of being hit again. 

I feel like that dog. I've forgiven those who have hurt me in the past, but how do you not let that affect how you proceed in the future? How do you know when you're ready?

It's so true that "hurt people, hurt people." There's always some form of collateral damage not only when people are hurt, but when they're healing too.

I've felt so lost today simply because there's so much going on in my head. So many questions being asked in which there are no definitive answers. All of them circle around my fears.

I guess I'm still in repair.

Y'all be easy.

I'm a Recovering Undercover Overlover...

Healing is such a process. I continue to learn this every day. The crazy thing is just when you begin to think that you've healed some, something pops up to remind you of what you're healing from. It's like ripping the scab off of a sore once it starts healing.

To carry that analogy further....after awhile, a scab stops forming on an open sore. You're forced to have an open and raw sore that just heals eventually with time.

When it comes to healing...sometimes you have to just let your feelings and emotions go raw in order to heal. I know, it seems totally counterproductive, but trust me, it works. Remember when your mom used to tell you, "You don't need a bandaid! Let that oxygen get to it." The same thing applies to your emotions.

Sometimes you just have to...well...live. Take that bandaid off and let the air hit it. Be raw...open. It's ok. It'll heal faster.

Recovery

*walks into blog post singing*

"I've had some good days. I've had some hiiiiiiiilllllllssss to cliiiimmmb. I've had some.....weary days. AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDD....some sleepless nights."

Ok..I'm chillin' lol.

Seriously...this past summer has been such an emotional rollercoaster, and I don't know how well I'm handling it. Most days, I'm ok. I try to keep myself busy to avoid thinking about things, but of course that doesn't always work. Some days there just isn't enough to occupy my mind. Others, the thoughts just bogard their way in.

I'm trying my best to bounce back...to recover. Usually when I feel like I've taken a step forward in progress, something happens that knocks me back to steps emotionally.

Overall, I'm very closed off emotionally. I don't open up FULLY to many people. As far as women...I think I can honestly say I've only done that twice. Both times have resulted in getting my emotional ass kicked. Both times, the hurt after have been stark reminders of exactly why I give the equivalent of a limp, clammy handshake when it comes to sharing my emotions.

Most of my life I've always been an advocate of love and relationships...and at heart I still believe I am. I've always been a hopeless romantic and a believer of fairy tail endings. As I speed towards my 28th birthday in a few days, I'm realizing that I'm becoming much more a cynic than anything.

I still want a great relationship. I still want to find a great woman who I can spend my life with. However, it has also become very realistic to me that not everyone ends up married with a family. I know I'm young and have plenty of time...I know. But THAT reality has never been my reality. Maybe that's not what relationships are? I don't know.

It's rough out here in these relationship streets! In the mean time between time, I'm just trying to focus on me. Trying to better me. Trying to repair me. I don't want to be broken when the next great opportunity comes along. I've still got a lot of growth in me...and I'm striving to reach my full potential.

Y'all be easy.