Trust Issues: I'm Becoming a Cynic

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately ... mainly reflecting on some of the things I've been through recently, and some of the pains I've experienced emotionally and physically. Through that introspection, I've realized that I have trust issues.

I don't have the normal trust issues. Mine have more to do with dating and believing people are sincere in expressing their feelings for me to me. I knew I had some doubts and such, but through a conversation this morning, I realized that it's a full blown ISSUE. *cue dramatic music*

Have you ever planned a future with someone? I don't mean whimsical talk, I mean full on making plans ... only to feel like those plans were snatched from you? Over the years, I've had different people that I've loved tell me things ... feelings. Then their actions are in total discrepancy with what they've told me. Those types of occurrences will make you question what you feel like you deserve. Each time something like that happens, it's a blow to your self-worth.

I can deal with a person or people telling me I'm not good enough. I don't deal quite as well with someone saying I'm more than enough, then their actions expressing the total opposite. Frankly, there's too many people out there who don't take the responsibility that is given to them over someone's feelings seriously. Especially when they've asked for that responsibility.

What can be equally as frustrating is when people who've never been through that kind of hurt don't understand and try tell you that you should be different. They don't understand how that hurt can make you question the sincerity of every word that comes out of their mouth.

Like ... literally. I question everything that someone says to me when showing interest, and I hate that. But when it comes down to it, I've heard it all before, and believed it. Then it was snatched away.

I was raised with the mantra "Say what you mean, and mean what you say." In other words, let your actions follow suit with your words. I'm sincere as all hell when I express my feelings to someone. Is it so bad to want that same respect in return? Whoever I end up with is going to have to put in work, and have patience with me. It's going to take consistent growth and hard work.

I guess ... growing up, I never thought I'd be that person with trust issues. That people who gave me lip service would not act accordingly. My mistake for thinking I was different I guess.

I'm a Recovering Undercover Overlover...

Healing is such a process. I continue to learn this every day. The crazy thing is just when you begin to think that you've healed some, something pops up to remind you of what you're healing from. It's like ripping the scab off of a sore once it starts healing.

To carry that analogy further....after awhile, a scab stops forming on an open sore. You're forced to have an open and raw sore that just heals eventually with time.

When it comes to healing...sometimes you have to just let your feelings and emotions go raw in order to heal. I know, it seems totally counterproductive, but trust me, it works. Remember when your mom used to tell you, "You don't need a bandaid! Let that oxygen get to it." The same thing applies to your emotions.

Sometimes you just have to...well...live. Take that bandaid off and let the air hit it. Be raw...open. It's ok. It'll heal faster.

Recovery

*walks into blog post singing*

"I've had some good days. I've had some hiiiiiiiilllllllssss to cliiiimmmb. I've had some.....weary days. AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDD....some sleepless nights."

Ok..I'm chillin' lol.

Seriously...this past summer has been such an emotional rollercoaster, and I don't know how well I'm handling it. Most days, I'm ok. I try to keep myself busy to avoid thinking about things, but of course that doesn't always work. Some days there just isn't enough to occupy my mind. Others, the thoughts just bogard their way in.

I'm trying my best to bounce back...to recover. Usually when I feel like I've taken a step forward in progress, something happens that knocks me back to steps emotionally.

Overall, I'm very closed off emotionally. I don't open up FULLY to many people. As far as women...I think I can honestly say I've only done that twice. Both times have resulted in getting my emotional ass kicked. Both times, the hurt after have been stark reminders of exactly why I give the equivalent of a limp, clammy handshake when it comes to sharing my emotions.

Most of my life I've always been an advocate of love and relationships...and at heart I still believe I am. I've always been a hopeless romantic and a believer of fairy tail endings. As I speed towards my 28th birthday in a few days, I'm realizing that I'm becoming much more a cynic than anything.

I still want a great relationship. I still want to find a great woman who I can spend my life with. However, it has also become very realistic to me that not everyone ends up married with a family. I know I'm young and have plenty of time...I know. But THAT reality has never been my reality. Maybe that's not what relationships are? I don't know.

It's rough out here in these relationship streets! In the mean time between time, I'm just trying to focus on me. Trying to better me. Trying to repair me. I don't want to be broken when the next great opportunity comes along. I've still got a lot of growth in me...and I'm striving to reach my full potential.

Y'all be easy.