Trust Issues: I'm Becoming a Cynic

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately ... mainly reflecting on some of the things I've been through recently, and some of the pains I've experienced emotionally and physically. Through that introspection, I've realized that I have trust issues.

I don't have the normal trust issues. Mine have more to do with dating and believing people are sincere in expressing their feelings for me to me. I knew I had some doubts and such, but through a conversation this morning, I realized that it's a full blown ISSUE. *cue dramatic music*

Have you ever planned a future with someone? I don't mean whimsical talk, I mean full on making plans ... only to feel like those plans were snatched from you? Over the years, I've had different people that I've loved tell me things ... feelings. Then their actions are in total discrepancy with what they've told me. Those types of occurrences will make you question what you feel like you deserve. Each time something like that happens, it's a blow to your self-worth.

I can deal with a person or people telling me I'm not good enough. I don't deal quite as well with someone saying I'm more than enough, then their actions expressing the total opposite. Frankly, there's too many people out there who don't take the responsibility that is given to them over someone's feelings seriously. Especially when they've asked for that responsibility.

What can be equally as frustrating is when people who've never been through that kind of hurt don't understand and try tell you that you should be different. They don't understand how that hurt can make you question the sincerity of every word that comes out of their mouth.

Like ... literally. I question everything that someone says to me when showing interest, and I hate that. But when it comes down to it, I've heard it all before, and believed it. Then it was snatched away.

I was raised with the mantra "Say what you mean, and mean what you say." In other words, let your actions follow suit with your words. I'm sincere as all hell when I express my feelings to someone. Is it so bad to want that same respect in return? Whoever I end up with is going to have to put in work, and have patience with me. It's going to take consistent growth and hard work.

I guess ... growing up, I never thought I'd be that person with trust issues. That people who gave me lip service would not act accordingly. My mistake for thinking I was different I guess.

I'm a Recovering Undercover Overlover...Redux

So...some of you may recall a blog I wrote earlier about healing.

If you don't, take a gander.

In that post I gave the analogy of comparing healing internally to healing a sore externally.

"When it comes to healing...sometimes you have to just let your feelings and emotions go raw in order to heal."

That feeling...that rawness...can be so tough. I try my best not to become spiteful during healing. The Bible says we should forgive, and I've always heard that we should forgive not only for the other person, but to allow ourselves to move past the hurt. Sometimes when you haven't forgiven the person or people who have caused you pain, the healing process is slowed. You come into contact with them in some form or fashion and that scab that was forming over your emotional sores gets ripped back off, and you feel raw again.

I think I have that part down.

But how do you know when you're ready to walk into the fire again? That's what I struggle with. A good friend recently told me that when you want something like that, there's nothing that will keep you from it. I'm guessing that would include past hurts. It should be an easy decision if it's what you want. I don't know that that's what I feel. I don't know that I agree with that. It's not that...black and white for me.

Allow me to tell you a story.
A cute dog is walking down the street. He sees someone sitting on some steps with some snacks, who beckons the dog over. The dog approaches the person happily. The person punches the dog in the snout and the dog runs. 

Further down the street, the dog, now with a couple bruises, sees another person sitting on a porch with some snacks. The person beckons the dog over. Hesitantly, the dog approaches the person holding out the snacks. The person kicks the dog and the dog runs. 

On the next block, while battered and limping, the dog sees a person sitting on the porch with a huge bag of snacks. The person smiles sweetly and beckons the dog over. The  dog stops at the end of the walkway, afraid of approaching for fear of being hit again. 

I feel like that dog. I've forgiven those who have hurt me in the past, but how do you not let that affect how you proceed in the future? How do you know when you're ready?

It's so true that "hurt people, hurt people." There's always some form of collateral damage not only when people are hurt, but when they're healing too.

I've felt so lost today simply because there's so much going on in my head. So many questions being asked in which there are no definitive answers. All of them circle around my fears.

I guess I'm still in repair.

Y'all be easy.

Who would rather trust than be deceived?

(This is a blog I wrote a couple years back, but it still rings very true.)

trust (n) - 
-reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

-the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.

-the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

Trust...it's such a fickle thing...

I always tell people that I look at it in two different ways, and I compare them to getting grades from teachers. You have those teachers that will tell you at the beginning of the semester you have an A, and it's your job to keep it. Then, you have those instructors that will tell you that you have to do this, that, and the other in order to earn an A. 

...I would be the former...

Nonetheless...I wonder what people really think about the word trust sometimes. I'm curious to know whether people really know what they are saying when making the statement, "I trust you." Trust is such a deep notion, and means so much and too many people, I think, take the true meaning of the word for granted. 

Frank Crane once said, "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." Personally? I'd rather be deceived. I know it's a weird notion for some of y'all out there, but 'tis true of me. I can't even begin to imagine living my life being suspicious of everyone around me. I'm not saying I trust everyone I encounter wholeheartedly, but I'm not suspicious either. 

Now I'm not by any means saying that changing your views on trust, or even that trusting someone is easy, so don't go ranting off at me about any of that. I'm simply asking some of y'all to think about some things. 

If you're in a relationship, and you tell your s/o that you trust them, think about exactly you are saying. I'm sure all of us have had times where someone's told you they trust you, but their actions showed otherwise. I think so often we say we trust our mate, then question their actions because deep down we don't trust them!

In regards to your friends...think about the message you are sending when saying "I trust you." Some of us trust our best friends about as far as we can throw them...yet will tell them in a quick second, "You know you my dog...I trust you cuz!!"

Look...I understand that trust isn't easy. But why live your life scared that someone is always being dishonest with you?? It only holds you back, and gives people control over you. Eff that!! 

After all...

...who would not rather trust and be deceived?


PS (07/07/2012)


Although I feel that this is still very applicable to my life, I also find that the older I get and the more experiences I have, the harder it gets to give people the benefit of a doubt. I was just telling someone the other day that while I don't go around expecting people to do messed up things, at the same time, not much surprises me anymore.


I still try my hardest to give and give...of myself...my time...my heart...my resources. It's just starting to  take a little more effort than it used to.  *sigh*