And I Couldn't Begin...

I couldn't begin to tell you...
How I felt when you looked at me.
And when you described your love my heart melted...
...like how the colors in the sunset melt together creating a beautiful picture. 

And I couldn't begin to tell you...
how that day you told me you couldn't wait to marry me,
You made me the happiest man on earth.
I fell in love with you over and over... with each blink of my eyes. 

I couldn't begin to tell you how when we made love... 

my world stopped revolving around the sun, but chose you instead.
How I lived a life fulfilled with every rising and going down of you. 

And I couldn't begin to tell you
how I wish that Daylight savings time would've happened every day.
Just so you could spring forward into my arms...
... and maybe I could fall back in love with you... 

See...

I couldn't begin to tell you

how I have wanted to erase the art we painted from every canvass in my world.
Go back to the blank slate that was my world before you.
And see... 

I couldn't begin to tell you...
How badly you hurt me. You were AIDS, cancer, arthritis, and broken bones...
All thrown into my mixed bag of emotions.

I couldn't begin to tell you...
How you broke me down like an old car on the side of the road.
Not even Triple-A could fix my heart.
Not when you towed every facet of you out of my life.

So see...I couldn't begin to tell you...
that no matter how much I loved you,
I wish we never painted a life together.
That we'd left our canvas blank,
devoid of any art of hearts to be put on display.

I still love you, but...
I couldn't begin to tell you.

"In Order to Survive, Gotta Learn to Live With Regrets..."

"This is the number one rule for your set, in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets."

Regrets...who doesn't have them? I don't care what any person says, if there was a way for one to go back and change something ... anything in their past, I truly believe everyone would jump at the opportunity. For some, it may be "the one that got away," or a bad financial decision, or telling a loved one something before they died, or even passing on the opportunity to meet someone.

For me? I would have started my post-secondary education differently.

If you read my last blog, you've already learned that for a long time I've struggled with knowing what my passion was, and what I wanted to be. This started early.

I graduated high school in the spring of 2002. In hindsight, I remember feeling very overwhelming my senior year. Back then, I was all about appearances, and what people thought of me mattered quite a bit, though you would have never seen me admit it. My actions spoke otherwise.

In high school, my career path was aimed at the military. I was in AFJROTC, and during my senior year of high school, I earned an Air Force ROTC 3-year scholarship to the school of my choice. This meant my schooling was more or less taken care of. During the application process you have to choose your major, and I chose electrical engineering. In hindsight, I realize that I chose that major because I was taking the easy way out. I was afraid. I didn't have enough confidence in myself. I chose electrical engineering because I'd read that's what the military needed most. I figured I wouldn't get turned down for the scholarship if I chose that major. 

I was dead set on attending the University of Southern California for college. I didn't, however, think I'd get in. I remember going to an informational and seeing some other friends from other schools who I KNEW for a fact had better grades than I. When I saw how nervous they were, I resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't be going to school there.

I had also applied to Grambling State, University of Missouri-Columbia, Tennessee State, and my second choice, Howard University. I got into all of these universities. I chose Howard because my father lived in Baltimore and it would be a chance to get to know him more. I had visited DC and loved the city as well. Howard was also my only real exposure to HBCU's as I'd been to several "Classics" football games.

I remember my mom being so proud man. I used to be frustrated because it seemed she shared my good news with folks before I could. Hearing how proud she was of me, man. I felt so much pressure. I got to Howard, and I loved it there. The atmosphere was like none I've ever experienced. I wouldn't regret choosing to go there for anything. 

However, I wasn't ready. I probably should have stayed local for awhile before I went away to school, but for reasons I'll blog about some other time, I wanted to get as far away from home as possible. I started well, but after awhile, I skipped classes, partied way too much, and basically just didn't handle my business. I ended up flunking out of Howard. I felt like I'd let everyone down man, especially my mother. 

It has taken me a long time to get over that, and in a lot of ways, it still haunts me. I regret every day failing out of school, even now that I have my degree and am working on my Master's. But you have to learn how to accept and live with those regrets. You have to figure a way to use those regrets as motivation to do better ... to be better. You have to gain understanding that just because you develop a plan for how your life will go, the chances of your life actually following the plan that you set forth are slim to nil. Most importantly, you have to understand that THAT'S OK. 

It's taken me so long to understand that it's ok to fail. Failure is definitely not the end. And having regrets is perfectly normal. Just don't become consumed by them. Build on them. Use them as stepping stones to something better. 

"...On the...rise to the top, never drop, don't forget, in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets."

Y'all be easy.