Ego Trip: Gate 143

You'd never felt so far away...
As the last night you laid next to me.
Things were different.
You...were different.
The moon wasn't as bright...
The stars weren't as numerous.
Felt like the sun wasn't gonna rise
the next morn.
You were there but...
your heart wasn't anymore.
You had decided to lock it back up
in the baggage you carried with you
everywhere.
Instead of offering to carry your bags
I was too busy adjusting mine.
And what neither of us realized is...
When you're ego tripping
there's nowhere to check your baggage.

Be Better

*pulls out soapbox and taps mic*

Is this thing on?

I feel the need to address something really quick, then I'll be out. Frequently I see people challenging others to accept their flaws fully because that's who they are. They know how severely flawed they are, and just how much it can ruin their interractions with others, but they maintain that the person who may be interested in them should just choose to accept and deal with it. They just deem people that they've hurt and run off in the past as not strong enough to deal with their personality.

To this I say no. Be better.

Part of life is growth and learning about yourself right? As you grow and get older you should learn more and more about yourself, your likes, dislikes, positive qualities, and faults. If you know your faults, do what it takes to improve! Why expect someone to handle and embrace what YOU don't even deem as positive about yourself? Then they wonder why they are left alone in the end. Instead of trying to be better, they just keep chugging along wondering when someone is going to come along that is strong enough to handle their personality.

Grow up. Be better.

Graduation Time Again

This Friday evening, ya boy graduates with his Master of Arts degree in Communications with an emphasis in Promotion. I'm on course to graduate with a perfect 4.0 grade point average in my graduate coursework. Do you know how proud of myself I am? Man!

In reflecting, I look at how far my journey has come, and I am not ashamed to pat myself on the back in a congratulatory manner. If you would have asked me 6 years ago if I would have finished undergrad, let alone grad school, I would have probably laughed in your face. I thank God that I got a second chance with school, and I'm trying hard to leave my regrets of the past, IN the past.

And let me tell you how God just be showing off. In addition to grad school, I've been slaving away working two retail jobs to make ends meet, and it's been a struggle. The other day I was just praying for some kind of financial blessing, an employment blessing, and just overall for my situation to improve. I got in the car yesterday after work and had a message from a resume I submitted for a job that actually utilizes my degree(s). The lady who answered said, "Look I don't want to waste your time, so I'm gonna let you know up front all we can offer is $x per year."

Listen. That's more than what I make, AND it's in my degree field?! So we're setting up an interview for next week. Look at God! Won't He do it?

The other reason I'm excited about this weekend is that my little brother is graduating from high school, and I couldn't be more proud. It seems like he's grown up so quickly! It's been awesome, though, to see him do what he has to do to get his business taken care of. That's a great part of growing up, and something that I didn't take to as well as he has recently. He's actually starting college at Missouri State University in June. He's nervous, but I know he can and will be successful. Love you bro. I promise to continue to try and be a positive example of a man to you.

You know...it's just amazing to finally see God moving in my life. I know I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm trying.

Anyway, I hadn't written in a while, and I wanted y'all to know I hadn't forgotten about you. Y'all be easy.

And I Couldn't Begin...

I couldn't begin to tell you...
How I felt when you looked at me.
And when you described your love my heart melted...
...like how the colors in the sunset melt together creating a beautiful picture. 

And I couldn't begin to tell you...
how that day you told me you couldn't wait to marry me,
You made me the happiest man on earth.
I fell in love with you over and over... with each blink of my eyes. 

I couldn't begin to tell you how when we made love... 

my world stopped revolving around the sun, but chose you instead.
How I lived a life fulfilled with every rising and going down of you. 

And I couldn't begin to tell you
how I wish that Daylight savings time would've happened every day.
Just so you could spring forward into my arms...
... and maybe I could fall back in love with you... 

See...

I couldn't begin to tell you

how I have wanted to erase the art we painted from every canvass in my world.
Go back to the blank slate that was my world before you.
And see... 

I couldn't begin to tell you...
How badly you hurt me. You were AIDS, cancer, arthritis, and broken bones...
All thrown into my mixed bag of emotions.

I couldn't begin to tell you...
How you broke me down like an old car on the side of the road.
Not even Triple-A could fix my heart.
Not when you towed every facet of you out of my life.

So see...I couldn't begin to tell you...
that no matter how much I loved you,
I wish we never painted a life together.
That we'd left our canvas blank,
devoid of any art of hearts to be put on display.

I still love you, but...
I couldn't begin to tell you.

Maturity

I had a chat with a good friend of mine today. I hadn't seen her in awhile, so it was really good to sit and chat with her.

At one point we got to talking about relationships and settling down. It was mentioned that a big part of loving someone properly and growing when in a relationship is maturity. The more I thought about it, the more that rung so true to me. In almost every facet of relationships/dating/etc., a certain level of maturity is needed if it's going to work successfully.

When I thought back on my past relationships and dating situations, I realized that a big part of why they failed was a lack of maturity on either my part or the other person's. One of the biggest areas that this comes into play is in communication. Communication, as we all know, is integral to a positive relationship. Maturity is integral to positive communication, especially when you're having problems.

If you're having an issue with your significant other or the person you're dating, knowing how to effectively communicate that issue with a certain level of maturity will help in getting over the issue. Even if everything results in arguing, there's a way to argue with a level of maturity. Name calling and saying things you don't really mean isn't maturity. Being able to agree to disagree, or even simply argue what the actual matter is instead of bringing up old stuff also requires a level of maturity.

Honestly, a big part of all of realizing all of this is knowing yourself and your faults. It doesn't stop, however, at identifying those faults. You have to do something to improve upon those faults. You always see people saying stuff like "If you can't deal with me at my worst..." and stuff like that. While that's true to a certain extent, you can't just always expect people to deal with you when you're "at your worst."You have to be mature enough to know you're "at your worst" and do something to change that.

Sorry if all this seems a little scatter brained. Y'all be easy.

Trust Issues: I'm Becoming a Cynic

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately ... mainly reflecting on some of the things I've been through recently, and some of the pains I've experienced emotionally and physically. Through that introspection, I've realized that I have trust issues.

I don't have the normal trust issues. Mine have more to do with dating and believing people are sincere in expressing their feelings for me to me. I knew I had some doubts and such, but through a conversation this morning, I realized that it's a full blown ISSUE. *cue dramatic music*

Have you ever planned a future with someone? I don't mean whimsical talk, I mean full on making plans ... only to feel like those plans were snatched from you? Over the years, I've had different people that I've loved tell me things ... feelings. Then their actions are in total discrepancy with what they've told me. Those types of occurrences will make you question what you feel like you deserve. Each time something like that happens, it's a blow to your self-worth.

I can deal with a person or people telling me I'm not good enough. I don't deal quite as well with someone saying I'm more than enough, then their actions expressing the total opposite. Frankly, there's too many people out there who don't take the responsibility that is given to them over someone's feelings seriously. Especially when they've asked for that responsibility.

What can be equally as frustrating is when people who've never been through that kind of hurt don't understand and try tell you that you should be different. They don't understand how that hurt can make you question the sincerity of every word that comes out of their mouth.

Like ... literally. I question everything that someone says to me when showing interest, and I hate that. But when it comes down to it, I've heard it all before, and believed it. Then it was snatched away.

I was raised with the mantra "Say what you mean, and mean what you say." In other words, let your actions follow suit with your words. I'm sincere as all hell when I express my feelings to someone. Is it so bad to want that same respect in return? Whoever I end up with is going to have to put in work, and have patience with me. It's going to take consistent growth and hard work.

I guess ... growing up, I never thought I'd be that person with trust issues. That people who gave me lip service would not act accordingly. My mistake for thinking I was different I guess.

Live Your Life

So, I don't normally enter contests and the like, but I decided to enter one that is through my job.

It's called the "Live Your Life" campaign. Do I expect to win? Eh. I just want to have a good showing. With that said, I'd really appreciate your vote. You can vote once a day, so I'd really appreciate it if you took the time to vote and continue to vote for ya boy. Just hit this link and it'll take you right to my profile https://live.ae.com/#/entries/3452

That page will also give you an idea of who I am, and what I like to do. Check it out! And vote!