Trust Issues: I'm Becoming a Cynic

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately ... mainly reflecting on some of the things I've been through recently, and some of the pains I've experienced emotionally and physically. Through that introspection, I've realized that I have trust issues.

I don't have the normal trust issues. Mine have more to do with dating and believing people are sincere in expressing their feelings for me to me. I knew I had some doubts and such, but through a conversation this morning, I realized that it's a full blown ISSUE. *cue dramatic music*

Have you ever planned a future with someone? I don't mean whimsical talk, I mean full on making plans ... only to feel like those plans were snatched from you? Over the years, I've had different people that I've loved tell me things ... feelings. Then their actions are in total discrepancy with what they've told me. Those types of occurrences will make you question what you feel like you deserve. Each time something like that happens, it's a blow to your self-worth.

I can deal with a person or people telling me I'm not good enough. I don't deal quite as well with someone saying I'm more than enough, then their actions expressing the total opposite. Frankly, there's too many people out there who don't take the responsibility that is given to them over someone's feelings seriously. Especially when they've asked for that responsibility.

What can be equally as frustrating is when people who've never been through that kind of hurt don't understand and try tell you that you should be different. They don't understand how that hurt can make you question the sincerity of every word that comes out of their mouth.

Like ... literally. I question everything that someone says to me when showing interest, and I hate that. But when it comes down to it, I've heard it all before, and believed it. Then it was snatched away.

I was raised with the mantra "Say what you mean, and mean what you say." In other words, let your actions follow suit with your words. I'm sincere as all hell when I express my feelings to someone. Is it so bad to want that same respect in return? Whoever I end up with is going to have to put in work, and have patience with me. It's going to take consistent growth and hard work.

I guess ... growing up, I never thought I'd be that person with trust issues. That people who gave me lip service would not act accordingly. My mistake for thinking I was different I guess.

Live Your Life

So, I don't normally enter contests and the like, but I decided to enter one that is through my job.

It's called the "Live Your Life" campaign. Do I expect to win? Eh. I just want to have a good showing. With that said, I'd really appreciate your vote. You can vote once a day, so I'd really appreciate it if you took the time to vote and continue to vote for ya boy. Just hit this link and it'll take you right to my profile https://live.ae.com/#/entries/3452

That page will also give you an idea of who I am, and what I like to do. Check it out! And vote!

What Is Love?

I haven't written in awhile, but I wanted to stop by and get some stuff out real quick that's been on my mind for awhile.

Simply stated: I'm confused on what falling in love is supposed to feel like anymore.

I've experienced the whirlwind, movie-like romances, and I've experienced the kind where we had to really work at it, and things didn't come so "easily."

It's funny because those whirlwind romances give you some inclination that that's what  it's supposed to be, and who doesn't want that? The scary part is that just how some of those whirlwind love connections came out of nowhere, some of them disappeared just as quickly. Could this be because the foundation of the relationship wasn't strong enough? Who knows.

Now the relationships where I had to really work at it seemed to last longer. But the whole idea of that comes across as...boring...sometimes. Loving someone and being in a relationship should come easy for the most part right?

Look, I know relationships period are hard work. It takes dedication..resiliency..etc. However, because I've experienced so many different types of relationships, and to this point none of them have worked out, I'm confused on what exactly it's supposed to feel like. And I don't wanna hear the "you know when you know" cliche' because I've thought I knew a couple times. Obviously I was wrong.

I guess you can add this to the heap of other things in my life that I'm confused about at the moment. I always thought growing up that as you got older, you figured out more about life ... that you got more answers. As I've grown through my twenties it seems like I'm only getting more questions.

Y'all be easy.

"In Order to Survive, Gotta Learn to Live With Regrets..."

"This is the number one rule for your set, in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets."

Regrets...who doesn't have them? I don't care what any person says, if there was a way for one to go back and change something ... anything in their past, I truly believe everyone would jump at the opportunity. For some, it may be "the one that got away," or a bad financial decision, or telling a loved one something before they died, or even passing on the opportunity to meet someone.

For me? I would have started my post-secondary education differently.

If you read my last blog, you've already learned that for a long time I've struggled with knowing what my passion was, and what I wanted to be. This started early.

I graduated high school in the spring of 2002. In hindsight, I remember feeling very overwhelming my senior year. Back then, I was all about appearances, and what people thought of me mattered quite a bit, though you would have never seen me admit it. My actions spoke otherwise.

In high school, my career path was aimed at the military. I was in AFJROTC, and during my senior year of high school, I earned an Air Force ROTC 3-year scholarship to the school of my choice. This meant my schooling was more or less taken care of. During the application process you have to choose your major, and I chose electrical engineering. In hindsight, I realize that I chose that major because I was taking the easy way out. I was afraid. I didn't have enough confidence in myself. I chose electrical engineering because I'd read that's what the military needed most. I figured I wouldn't get turned down for the scholarship if I chose that major. 

I was dead set on attending the University of Southern California for college. I didn't, however, think I'd get in. I remember going to an informational and seeing some other friends from other schools who I KNEW for a fact had better grades than I. When I saw how nervous they were, I resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't be going to school there.

I had also applied to Grambling State, University of Missouri-Columbia, Tennessee State, and my second choice, Howard University. I got into all of these universities. I chose Howard because my father lived in Baltimore and it would be a chance to get to know him more. I had visited DC and loved the city as well. Howard was also my only real exposure to HBCU's as I'd been to several "Classics" football games.

I remember my mom being so proud man. I used to be frustrated because it seemed she shared my good news with folks before I could. Hearing how proud she was of me, man. I felt so much pressure. I got to Howard, and I loved it there. The atmosphere was like none I've ever experienced. I wouldn't regret choosing to go there for anything. 

However, I wasn't ready. I probably should have stayed local for awhile before I went away to school, but for reasons I'll blog about some other time, I wanted to get as far away from home as possible. I started well, but after awhile, I skipped classes, partied way too much, and basically just didn't handle my business. I ended up flunking out of Howard. I felt like I'd let everyone down man, especially my mother. 

It has taken me a long time to get over that, and in a lot of ways, it still haunts me. I regret every day failing out of school, even now that I have my degree and am working on my Master's. But you have to learn how to accept and live with those regrets. You have to figure a way to use those regrets as motivation to do better ... to be better. You have to gain understanding that just because you develop a plan for how your life will go, the chances of your life actually following the plan that you set forth are slim to nil. Most importantly, you have to understand that THAT'S OK. 

It's taken me so long to understand that it's ok to fail. Failure is definitely not the end. And having regrets is perfectly normal. Just don't become consumed by them. Build on them. Use them as stepping stones to something better. 

"...On the...rise to the top, never drop, don't forget, in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets."

Y'all be easy.

What is Your Passion?

"What are you passionate about?"

I used to hate this question. I hated it because I didn't know the answer, and that made me feel inadequate and foolish.

I went to school and got a degree in journalism, but I don't want to be a journalist. Hell, I really am not that fond of writing, and I don't think I'm that good, although I've always heard otherwise. I thought I knew what I wanted to do for a career, but it seems like that door is closing/has closed...ship is sailing...whatever. 

Here I am in my mid twenties and I didn't know what I was passionate about, or what I wanted to be when I "grew up." I think within the past year, I'm just realizing the answer to what I'm passionate about. I'm passionate about people and dynamics of the relationships between them. But what do I do with that?

I'm currently 28 years old, about to graduate with a Master's in Communications with an emphasis in Promotions, and I don't know what I want for my life, which is frustrating. I mean I know the general parameters. I don't have to be rich, but I want to be comfortable, such that my family doesn't have to want for anything. I don't need extravagant living. I do want to get married and have a family. I look forward to all of that. But specifics? *le sigh*

Yes, I'm passionate about people, but I don't know how to channel that into doing something I love. I love sharing my knowledge about what I've learned through relationships and friendships. I could write a book but as I said, I really am not that fond of writing. And I don't feel like I have enough knowledge to fill the pages of a book.

I could get into public speaking/self-help seminars, but how do you even break into that field of being a public speaker in that arena?

I just...it's frustrating looking around you and seeing others who seem to have their wants in life figured out, and I'm still here feeling like I'm wandering around aimlessly.

I just...blah. Y'all be easy. 

Spiritual Anger

So, I went to church today. I honestly don't quite remember the last time I went. That isn't out of unbelief, or shame. I realized while in church today that it might be out of anger. I'm suppressing an anger I have with God.

If you've read my work before, I've always struggled with my relationship with God. I did a lot of thinking today in church. I paid loose attention to the message today, which was about loving God with all of your strength and all of your soul ... but more than anything I did some thinking.

I've realized that over this past year, I have felt like God has failed me. Like He's let me down. Like He's put me in situations just because, and not for a reason. And I know I know, His ways are not our own and yadda yadda. Regardless of that fact, it has lead to me becoming jaded.

I literally fought back tears today during praise and worship, which is uncommon for me. I'm not an outwardly emotional person, and that's no different when it comes to church. The song was about loving the Lord, and I do love Him. It's just...so frustrating loving while being angry. This year has been filled with heartbreak, financial hardship, rough relationships with people, facing things from my past, etc. In many of those situations I've prayed asking God to show me what's right, to show me the road to travel, to show me who to keep in my life, etc., and unfortunately I don't feel like I was answered, or I don't see the use in what answer was given.

I am mad at God. I feel like I've been left hanging. I feel...ignored. And I hate that feeling.

I know a big part of it is that I need to open my eyes to the bigger picture. I don't like being angry with God, and I'm trying to overcome that. I don't know...

*sigh* I'm rambling.

So...God, I know you're reading this. Where are you man? Show me something...

Y'all be easy.

I'm a Recovering Undercover Overlover...Redux

So...some of you may recall a blog I wrote earlier about healing.

If you don't, take a gander.

In that post I gave the analogy of comparing healing internally to healing a sore externally.

"When it comes to healing...sometimes you have to just let your feelings and emotions go raw in order to heal."

That feeling...that rawness...can be so tough. I try my best not to become spiteful during healing. The Bible says we should forgive, and I've always heard that we should forgive not only for the other person, but to allow ourselves to move past the hurt. Sometimes when you haven't forgiven the person or people who have caused you pain, the healing process is slowed. You come into contact with them in some form or fashion and that scab that was forming over your emotional sores gets ripped back off, and you feel raw again.

I think I have that part down.

But how do you know when you're ready to walk into the fire again? That's what I struggle with. A good friend recently told me that when you want something like that, there's nothing that will keep you from it. I'm guessing that would include past hurts. It should be an easy decision if it's what you want. I don't know that that's what I feel. I don't know that I agree with that. It's not that...black and white for me.

Allow me to tell you a story.
A cute dog is walking down the street. He sees someone sitting on some steps with some snacks, who beckons the dog over. The dog approaches the person happily. The person punches the dog in the snout and the dog runs. 

Further down the street, the dog, now with a couple bruises, sees another person sitting on a porch with some snacks. The person beckons the dog over. Hesitantly, the dog approaches the person holding out the snacks. The person kicks the dog and the dog runs. 

On the next block, while battered and limping, the dog sees a person sitting on the porch with a huge bag of snacks. The person smiles sweetly and beckons the dog over. The  dog stops at the end of the walkway, afraid of approaching for fear of being hit again. 

I feel like that dog. I've forgiven those who have hurt me in the past, but how do you not let that affect how you proceed in the future? How do you know when you're ready?

It's so true that "hurt people, hurt people." There's always some form of collateral damage not only when people are hurt, but when they're healing too.

I've felt so lost today simply because there's so much going on in my head. So many questions being asked in which there are no definitive answers. All of them circle around my fears.

I guess I'm still in repair.

Y'all be easy.