The road to genuine interest, to infatuation, to general feelings, to "what is this now" is really tricky. We try to examine every little thing that doesn't happen, and forget to look up and enjoy the limitless possibilities in front of us. We're scared to make the last minute mistake again, we don't want to be wrong anymore, but the fear and doubts cloud our vision. We care more about getting it right than we do each other ... we'd rather fight to prove our point than work together towards a solution.
We fear the journey happiness requires.
- Rob Hill, Sr.We spend so much time learning how to avoid getting hurt, but no one ever teaches us how to recover from hurt. Everyone's hurt stems from somewhere. For instance, mine stems from abandonment, I'll go into that a little further later. Some of us learn how to fully process that hurt and pain and past relationship experiences, and let it go. Some learn how to begin to process it, but in some ways still hold on to past hurt and experiences. Some just sweep them under the rug and never deal, then wonder why they have the same reoccurring issues.
Here's the thing. Too many of us are out here trying so hard not to end up with messed up folks in relationships. At a certain point, we become so focused on: 1. Not messing up, but 2. Finding what's not perfect about the other party. We've become so conditioned to trying to find out why a person isn't for you, that we ignore so many reasons as to why they are.
Due to past relationships, familial and non, I always fear people just up and leaving. It doesn't make me clingy, at least I don't think. But it does strike fear in my heart at the first sign of someone distancing their self, because those signs remind me of what I've already been through several times. It's rough. As soon as your pattern of behavior gives me doubts about the future of your presence, I instantly go into defense mode.
Like Phonte once said, "It's hard, but it's real."
I think what it comes down to is no one ever learns about forgiving yourself. Parents teach about forgiving others all the time, but man, forgiving yourself is so important. Forgiving yourself is one of the most integral parts of moving on from hurt and bad experiences. One of the things that bothers us most when we are coming out of a bad situation is that we allowed ourselves to be there in the first place. In hindsight, we know that we deserve better than what we allowed for ourselves.
As I was stating above, everyone's fear when it comes to vulnerability and relationships stems from somewhere. For some it comes from loyalty (or disloyalty), lack of self-esteem, dealing with people who have narcissistic personality disorder, etc. As I said, personally my issues stem from abandonment. Would I say I have abandonment issues? No. But do I have a fear that stems from past "abandonments?" Sure.
I've had prior relationships that were very serious in nature, where for some reason or another, the person decided they didn't want to be a part of my life anymore, and left. Just like that. So it's hard to balance between what is a red flag and what I'm simply overthinking. When you've had past dealings that ended badly, in the future, anything that resembles that occurrence gives you pause. After awhile, you start to feel dumb for even entertaining giving someone the benefit of the doubt. So where does the discernment lie?
How do you decide what should be a red flag, and what is just a random occurrence? Everyone always tells me trust my intuition, but where has that gotten me? To this point. So with each occurrence, MORE alarms me. I'm trying to figure what should and shouldn't. And I try, Lord I try not to project my past onto my present or potential future. But sometimes ... man. There's a certain magic in the strength it takes to exhibit consistent vulnerability.
What gets hard to remember, is that we are all human, and we mess up. Just because we mess up doesn't mean the past is repeating itself. Holding onto that thought is what helps me to keep giving people the benefit of the doubt.
When it comes down to it, I just want my next one to be my best one. I'm tired of getting it wrong with the wrong people. Someone who I don't feel those fears with because we've allowed each other to know each other intimately, and to feel secure in the fact that the past won't repeat itself. Again.
Y'all be easy.
