What is Your Passion?

"What are you passionate about?"

I used to hate this question. I hated it because I didn't know the answer, and that made me feel inadequate and foolish.

I went to school and got a degree in journalism, but I don't want to be a journalist. Hell, I really am not that fond of writing, and I don't think I'm that good, although I've always heard otherwise. I thought I knew what I wanted to do for a career, but it seems like that door is closing/has closed...ship is sailing...whatever. 

Here I am in my mid twenties and I didn't know what I was passionate about, or what I wanted to be when I "grew up." I think within the past year, I'm just realizing the answer to what I'm passionate about. I'm passionate about people and dynamics of the relationships between them. But what do I do with that?

I'm currently 28 years old, about to graduate with a Master's in Communications with an emphasis in Promotions, and I don't know what I want for my life, which is frustrating. I mean I know the general parameters. I don't have to be rich, but I want to be comfortable, such that my family doesn't have to want for anything. I don't need extravagant living. I do want to get married and have a family. I look forward to all of that. But specifics? *le sigh*

Yes, I'm passionate about people, but I don't know how to channel that into doing something I love. I love sharing my knowledge about what I've learned through relationships and friendships. I could write a book but as I said, I really am not that fond of writing. And I don't feel like I have enough knowledge to fill the pages of a book.

I could get into public speaking/self-help seminars, but how do you even break into that field of being a public speaker in that arena?

I just...it's frustrating looking around you and seeing others who seem to have their wants in life figured out, and I'm still here feeling like I'm wandering around aimlessly.

I just...blah. Y'all be easy. 

Spiritual Anger

So, I went to church today. I honestly don't quite remember the last time I went. That isn't out of unbelief, or shame. I realized while in church today that it might be out of anger. I'm suppressing an anger I have with God.

If you've read my work before, I've always struggled with my relationship with God. I did a lot of thinking today in church. I paid loose attention to the message today, which was about loving God with all of your strength and all of your soul ... but more than anything I did some thinking.

I've realized that over this past year, I have felt like God has failed me. Like He's let me down. Like He's put me in situations just because, and not for a reason. And I know I know, His ways are not our own and yadda yadda. Regardless of that fact, it has lead to me becoming jaded.

I literally fought back tears today during praise and worship, which is uncommon for me. I'm not an outwardly emotional person, and that's no different when it comes to church. The song was about loving the Lord, and I do love Him. It's just...so frustrating loving while being angry. This year has been filled with heartbreak, financial hardship, rough relationships with people, facing things from my past, etc. In many of those situations I've prayed asking God to show me what's right, to show me the road to travel, to show me who to keep in my life, etc., and unfortunately I don't feel like I was answered, or I don't see the use in what answer was given.

I am mad at God. I feel like I've been left hanging. I feel...ignored. And I hate that feeling.

I know a big part of it is that I need to open my eyes to the bigger picture. I don't like being angry with God, and I'm trying to overcome that. I don't know...

*sigh* I'm rambling.

So...God, I know you're reading this. Where are you man? Show me something...

Y'all be easy.

I'm a Recovering Undercover Overlover...Redux

So...some of you may recall a blog I wrote earlier about healing.

If you don't, take a gander.

In that post I gave the analogy of comparing healing internally to healing a sore externally.

"When it comes to healing...sometimes you have to just let your feelings and emotions go raw in order to heal."

That feeling...that rawness...can be so tough. I try my best not to become spiteful during healing. The Bible says we should forgive, and I've always heard that we should forgive not only for the other person, but to allow ourselves to move past the hurt. Sometimes when you haven't forgiven the person or people who have caused you pain, the healing process is slowed. You come into contact with them in some form or fashion and that scab that was forming over your emotional sores gets ripped back off, and you feel raw again.

I think I have that part down.

But how do you know when you're ready to walk into the fire again? That's what I struggle with. A good friend recently told me that when you want something like that, there's nothing that will keep you from it. I'm guessing that would include past hurts. It should be an easy decision if it's what you want. I don't know that that's what I feel. I don't know that I agree with that. It's not that...black and white for me.

Allow me to tell you a story.
A cute dog is walking down the street. He sees someone sitting on some steps with some snacks, who beckons the dog over. The dog approaches the person happily. The person punches the dog in the snout and the dog runs. 

Further down the street, the dog, now with a couple bruises, sees another person sitting on a porch with some snacks. The person beckons the dog over. Hesitantly, the dog approaches the person holding out the snacks. The person kicks the dog and the dog runs. 

On the next block, while battered and limping, the dog sees a person sitting on the porch with a huge bag of snacks. The person smiles sweetly and beckons the dog over. The  dog stops at the end of the walkway, afraid of approaching for fear of being hit again. 

I feel like that dog. I've forgiven those who have hurt me in the past, but how do you not let that affect how you proceed in the future? How do you know when you're ready?

It's so true that "hurt people, hurt people." There's always some form of collateral damage not only when people are hurt, but when they're healing too.

I've felt so lost today simply because there's so much going on in my head. So many questions being asked in which there are no definitive answers. All of them circle around my fears.

I guess I'm still in repair.

Y'all be easy.

New Year's Eve

They Say you should bring in the New Year 
doing what you want to happen for the next 365.
I brought in the new year loving you...

I want to love you more you see...
...and it's no coincidence I kissed you from midnight to 1:43.
See I don't believe in numerology
But I know you + me x eternity is a pretty easy equation.

My heart is on an all out invation
and you're the target.
I tried to arm myself against you...
but my defenses failed.
You're in. 

You're in and...
...if my only sin is not thanking God for simply waking me up
but waking me up next to you
I want to spend the next 365...
52 weeks
12 months
in sin. 

Loving you.