As I get older, I realize more and more, how trivial, monotonous and ... well ... tiring that dating is. It's easier to see as I age how people end up in relationships and married to people that they aren't completely happy with. It's simply because they've developed a comfort zone with them. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying that I can see how it happens.
Anyway...
As we all know, there are stages when it comes to dating. What I'm here to talk about is the "Getting to know you" stage. It's a catch-22 for me. I love learning about people. I'm curious by nature and I love asking questions, learning about a person's history, what makes them who they are, etc. Hell, it's part of the reason I went into journalism in undergrad.
At the same time, it gets old. Each time you get to know someone, you're in some way developing feelings about that person along the way. When you've gotten to know someone deeper than surface level, but it doesn't work out, it feels like you've wasted time. That feeling of wasting time gets old.
For some, instead of wasting time, they'd rather stay to themselves.
As I grow older, I so look forward to falling in love, getting married, building a family, and a legacy. But each time I give my time to getting to know someone and it doesn't work out, I lose a little bit of patience, and the prospect of those things happening grows dimmer. I know I'm still young, and that's fine. Age isn't the issue. I suppose the issue is ... patience. It's wearing thin.
I still have hope though, every time I give my time to getting to know someone. And I still give my all because it's only right. I wouldn't want someone to give me less. But, the whole "getting to know you" thing is getting ...
"I once dated a writer and
Writers are forgetful,
but they remember everything.
They forget appointments and anniversaries,
but remember what you wore,
how you smelled,
on your first date…
They remember every story you’ve ever told them -
like ever,
but forget what you’ve just said.
They don’t remember to water the plants
or take out the trash,
but they don’t forget how
to make you laugh.
Writers are forgetful
because
they’re busy
remembering
the important things."
So the topic of crushes came up on the Twitter, and it lead to some pretty good convo.
The Kid (yours truly) didn't really get crushed on when I was young. If you follow me on Twitter, you've seen me say that I have ugly duckling syndrome. I was a pretty nerdy little kid. I had a big head, huge feet, and kept my nose in a book. I was short, and I generally don't think I was that attractive.
As I've gotten older, I've grown more confident in myself and my looks. However, I don't think I'm anything special. I'm average height (medically) at 5'8. I'm not built, but I'm not fat/skinny, brown skinned, etc. I think I'm your average guy, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's a market for the average guy out there, but the average guy doesn't get crushed on. Thusly, I don't really know what that's like. I don't really get approached like that, and that's ok.
Anyway, moving on.
The comment was made that people don't crush now, how they used to. "People don't/can't crush the same way they used to as kids. Being accused of thirst or put on blast is real, so people are more stealthy with people they like until they know it's mutual," was one of the comments made.
I agree. People are so quick to accuse folks of thirst, that others get scared to "crush" on folks. We've become a society so enamored with exposing and embarrassing people, and that goes for online and offline. The fear of rejection is very real, and often deeply rooted. When there's a prospect of that rejection being thrown in your face, it's easy to understand how some would shy away from it.
When it comes down to it, there's a difference between crushing on someone and "thirst" in my opinion. Thirst, to me, is more physically based, and is when your expression of adulation becomes excessive. The misuse of thirst has been garnered from people exposing and embarrassing folks who simply showed interest or complimented them, when there wasn't mutual interest.
On the flip side of that coin, a lot of rejection and the form with which it comes depends on your approach. Personally, I can only speak from a male point of view. Sadly, the "one bad apple spoils the bunch" theme applies here. Many woman have had to deal with such disrespect and crassness from men approaching them, they instantly get defensive when approached. Ignorant men/approaches have conditioned many women to catch an attitude as soon as a man says, "Hello."
The responsibility to change that falls on the shoulders of men. Whether it's someone we're crushing on someone or not, we have to taylor our approaches better and with more respect. Most women are open to a man simply walking up and introducing themselves. If you can carry on a conversation and make her laugh, you'll be fine. The more men who create an atmosphere of respect when approaching women, the less likely we are to encounter women who are conditioned to be disrespectful in their response.
So don't be afraid to approach your "crush" if you are, indeed, crushing on someone. You never know what could happen.
So I've been contemplating writing on shopping etiquette for some time. I've finally decided to drop just a few pointers you guys should take heed to when shopping. Since I have worked extensively in retail, I have definitely encountered all of these.
1. Money on the Counter
Do not...I repeat, DO NOT place your money on the counter when you go to pay for your items. It comes across as pompous and disrespectful, like the cashier isn't worthy enough for you to hand them your money. It becomes especially disrespectful when you toss the money on the counter. Often times, I have mimicked the person and tossed their money back on the counter. Hopefully they get the message.
2. The Customer is Not Always Right
In fact, most times the customer is dead wrong. If the worker tells you that this promotion means this, or that signage excludes that item, LISTEN. We are definitely saying it for a reason! And retail managers, if your associate has already debated something with a customer, don't come behind them and undercut what the associate has said by doing exactly as the customer asks. This will make your workers hate you.
3. GET. OFF. THE. PHONE.
I think coming to the register on the phone is possibly the MOST disrespectful thing you can do as a shopper. When I go to the register to purchase, I will simply place people on hold, or tell them I'll call right back. Often times the associate is trying to ask you something regarding your purchase or make a suggestion, and the consumer often looks at the associate like THEYVE been disrespected. No. Your attention should be on the transaction.
4. Don't be Rude
Just because you work in an office and I work on a sales floor doesn't make you any better than I. We both work for wages, have bills to pay, and work hard. Just because you consider a job beneath you doesn't mean you should treat the worker of that job negatively.
5. "Just Looking"
When asked, this response is fine, if that's all you're doing. However, if you're digging through a pile of clothes, and an associate asks if they can help you, or if they can get you a size, don't lie. Often they are doing that so as to preserve the stack you're digging though so they won't have to refold the whole thing. If you are digging through a pile of clothes and give me the reply, "Just looking!" I'm likely to reply with, "Well the shirts on the bottom look just like the ones on top." *straight face*
These are just a few pointers for when you are out shopping to make your experience that much more pleasant!
So today on Twitter, the topic came up of flirting, and the interaction between men and women when it comes to compliments.
After running through several subtopics, I was talking about how one should go about complimenting the opposite sex. It dawned on me that a lot of what I was saying related to something I learned in grad school, which was Cialdini's Six Principles of Persuasion ... more specifically, the "Liking" principle.
In short, Cialdini's "Liking" principle states that we are more easily influenced by people that we like. There are several factors that affect liking, including physical attractiveness, similarity, compliments, contact and cooperation, and conditioning. When talking about flirting, the most important are physical attractiveness and compliments.
The way you put this into practice is finding something to like about the person you'd like to influence. Make sure whatever it is you "like" is tailored to that specific person, ie. meaningful and sincere. If you aren't sincere and meaningful with your "like," or compliment, it will come across as you simply wanting something from that person (even if that's true!).
When you compliment the opposite sex, don't use general compliments like "You're sexy/beautiful." Be specific! Compliment what makes you feel like that person is beautiful/sexy: "You have an amazing smile," or "Your hair looks really good today!" or even, "You have beautiful skin." You don't want to "like" something sexual too soon, so you want to avoid talking about butts, breasts, lips, and hips, unless your relationship dictates that level of comfort.
Fellas, one trick to flirting that works well is sincerely complimenting a woman, then walking away. So many women are used to every man that compliments them trying to "holla" at them. If you simply compliment them, then leave, it peaks their interest! Women are naturally curious, so they'll wonder just why you didn't want to ask for their number. Now I'm not saying every woman you compliment will approach you in return, but I will say your success rate will probably increase. This is a great example of the liking rule, in that you've "liked" something about her first, so she's more likely to be open to liking you.
If you don't act thirsty for a woman, you will probably come across a lot more attractive to said woman. Personally, this is why I say most of my flirting is not sincere. Usually if I'm interested in you, I won't flirt with you. It might even seem like I'm not interested in you in that manner, because I don't flirt as much. Or should I say it's a different kind of flirting.
While I was driving to work today, I did some serious thinking. For so long I've felt stuck in this rut and never felt like I'd make it out of it. I've decided to fundamentally change that.
People always talk about speaking positivity into your life. I have to start doing that. So from this point forward I'm going to make an ardent attempt to speak positivity over myself. I'm declaring certain things for myself in hopes that they will come to fruition.
First of all, I'm speaking a new job into my life. And I'm speaking this job up before my birthday: September 29. And it's going to be a well paying job in my career field, where I can not only gain valuable experience, but learn and grow. I want this, and it will be mine!
I know I will still have my down days ... my days where I don't feel like getting out of bed. But I'm going to fight this with positivity. There are better days ahead!
I don't mind writing when I have something to write about. But when there's nothing? It's such a struggle.
Looking at a blinking cursor on a blank page can be so ... intimidating.
Funny part is, I'd love to have a job where I am required to write a lot. I think....KNOW I'd succeed well at that.
I honestly only got a journalism degree because my advisor suggested it. I have no desire to go into journalism, unless it's editorial writing. However, my advisor told me since I wanted to go into Public Relations, I should major in journalism since it had a bigger focus on writing. This way, I'd be able to work in both fields if I wanted.
Well ... at this point I'm working in neither fields. And that's frustrating.
Speaking of, I'm going to try and switch up my approach in applying to jobs. Hopefully something good will come of that.
Anyway, getting back on subject. I honestly don't feel I'm a great writer. I know I can write, but am I some groundbreaking writer? Not at all. People tend to love my writing though, so I suppose I underestimate myself.
I've been (attempting) to do this writing challenge I saw on another blog where I write every day for a month, and so far I'm failing miserably. It's really hard to come up with things to talk about every single day without having ideas fed to me. I shall do better though!
I'm thinking about going into the Air Force. Well...I've been thinking it for a few years now. I have to lose about 20 pounds to go, so that's the stage I'm in. I've stopped drinking soda, and I'm trying to eat healthier.
It's great benefits....and I've always considered it. Plus I think it'll help me jump start my life. I've already talked to a recruiter and everything. We'll see what happens.
So if you follow me on Twitter, you know that I've been job hunting for quite some time now. I finished up my graduate degree program in June, so I now have a Masters in Communications with an emphasis in Promotions. However, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut.
I hate my job.
Well...I hate one of my jobs. I work two retail jobs, and I feel like I'm stuck there. I work myself to death and am severely underpaid. I don't have insurance. I don't get vacation time .. if I'm not at work I'm not getting paid. Hell I'm not even guaranteed a certain amount on my paychecks each time. On some days, I work from 10am - 2pm at one job, then work the other from 2:30pm - 11:00pm, and I end up exhausted, only to have to do it all over again the next day.
I have applied to hundreds of jobs over the months, all over the country. I've had one interview. One. You can imagine how frustrating and discouraging that can be.
I try to hold my head high and keep in mind that what God has for me is for me, and it'll be right on time when it comes ... but at times that's not comforting at all. Because bills.
It also makes me question whether going to grad school was even worth it. Some days I just feel like I created another bill. *sigh*
...but pictures like this one just break my heart man.
This is going to be a bit lengthy, so bear with me. First, let me say this. If strictly looking at the facts and the way they were presented in the case, am I surprised that George Zimmerman was acquitted? No. Not in the slightest. The prosecution did a PISS poor job of presenting evidence to support that Zimmerman was guilty of Florida's definition of 2nd degree murder and manslaughter.
However....
...my emotions want justice. Unfortunately, as I have intimated several times since Saturday's acquittal, it seems there is no justice in this country for Blacks. As someone on my Facebook timeline said, "I am sad, but not surprised. What makes me sad is that I'm not surprised."
What that means is that it seems cases like this have become the norm. Don't believe me? Google these names:
Ervin Jefferson
Amadou Diallo
Patrick Dorismond
Oscar Grant
Sean Bell
Aaron Campbell
Victor Steen
Jordan Davis
Kimani Gray
Alonzo Ashley
All of the above were under the age of 30. Don't care to research? Here are some with a brief explanation of the occurrence.
Kenneth Harding, Jr. Shot by police after he supposedly shot at police. Witnesses didn't see Harding with gun. Allowed to bleed out at scene.
Kiwane Carrington. "Accidentally" shot & killed after police stopped him for attempting to break into what turned out to be his own home.
Reginald Doucet Jr. 25. Unarmed. Shot & killed by officers in front of his home after a night out. Officers not charged in shooting.
Raheim Brown, Jr. 20. Shot 5 times, twice in head after police claimed he attacked them with screwdriver. Witness said no attack occurred.
Derrick Gaines. 15. Shot & killed after being stopped by police. Police claim he drew a weapon. Eyewitnesses report no weapon was drawn.
Rekia Boyd, 22. Shot in head during when an officer fired blindly at a nearby suspect. Charges dropped when officer didn't show up to court.
Steven Washington, 27. Autistic. Shot in head & killed when officers thought he was drawing a weapon. He was unarmed. Officers not charged.
Robbie Tolan. Unarmed. Shot in his driveway when officers suspected the car he was driving was stolen. Tolan owned car. Officers acquitted.
Aiyana Jones, 7. Unarmed. Shot in head/neck & killed when officers raided home in Detroit in an attempt to arrest her father
Deandre Brunston, 24. Unarmed. After a standoff with police, the officers fired 81 shots at him - 22 of which hit Brunston's body. A police dog that was injured during crossfire was airlifted to a vet center, while Brunston was left bleeding out where he lay.
All of those people, also under the age of 30. What is a young black person's life worth in America? The justice system apparently feels that it's not worth any jail time, that's for sure.
The Black community in America is hurting, and will hurt for a long time because of Trayvon Martin. I think what has saddened us so much is that we felt like this time would be different. Maybe, just maybe this time, we would see the man who admittedly killed this young boy, be brought to justice. This man who disobeyed an order from a police dispatcher to not approach Trayvon. This man who I have no doubts would not have approached Trayvon had he been a white kid wearing a hoody walking in that neighborhood. Instead, we sat and watched as this man was allowed to walk out of that court room free.
The only justice now, is that George Zimmerman has become an embodiment of the very ideology behind racism. Mr. Zimmerman will get strange looks from people in public. He may not be welcomed to visit certain establishments. People will shun him, simply because of their perception of who he is, instead of learning about who he is. People will stare at him, possibly call him ungodly names. He won't be hired at places because of who he is. And I for one don't feel sorry for him.
I don't feel sorry for him because my little brother could be Oscar Grant. My future wife could be Rekia Boyd. My future son could be Trayvon Martin. And that reality scares the hell out of me.
So a good friend recently sent me a link to a site that gives Personology readings. This is similar to a zodiacal reading, but is technically scientific. The site actually explains it as such:
The material we present here does not come from astrology, rather, it is a distillation of personality trait commonalities found in a 40-year study of the biographies of more than 20,000 people, organized by birthday. Here, we present the most comprehensive and accurate description of human personality ever written.
My friend explained just how accurate a description it gave and how it was so on point, so of course I had to give it a try. I must say, it was so exact, it was scary. I've decided to blog on some of the main points (some more in depth than others), maybe it'll give you guys more of an understanding of who I am.
Though September 29 people can appear dispassionate to the world, they nonetheless arouse strong reactions in others, both good and bad. They must beware of accidents and antagonism which can come their way. In order to get a handle on this danger, September 29 people must sooner or later face the fact that it may be their own repressed emotions which call forth such disturbances. Thus self-understanding is an important commodity for them to cultivate as early in life as possible.
I often have to explain to people that I'm not one to be overly excitable with my emotions, except for when I am. Leave me alone, it makes sense. This definitely comes into play in my relationships. I often have to explain during gift giving seasons that my "lack" of a reaction does not indicate dislike or disinterest. However when I do express myself emotionally, it's like a volcano, and this is probably do to repression of a lot of feelings. So it's a struggle every day to figure out the person I currently am and to walk the direction of the person I'd like to be.
Others often wonder in amazement at how such naturally gifted and highly capable individuals manage to get sidetracked from their true goals and allow success to elude them.
I just...*sigh*. I've been told since I was little how gifted I am...how special I can be. How much potential I have. But I guess I just have never seen what everyone else saw. I'll...leave it at that.
They have undeniable perfectionist tendencies, which may infuse every area of their lives with a desire to find out what’s wrong and to try to fix it. This theme of putting things right reflects their knowledge and technical know how, and also their conviction that they know what’s best for those around them.
This trait definitely rears it's ugly head when it comes to relationships, friendly and romantic. I'm a fixer, I admit it. I have a desire to make things better for people ... often times sacrificing myself to do so. I also have this innate need to know the "why" behind EVERYTHING. I've always been taught that there's a reason for everything. Growing up I was never allowed to give an answer of "Because." It was always met with, "Because what?" This definitely rubs people who disagree the wrong way.
In their drive for perfection, they are prone to apply their often mercilessly high standards equally to themselves and to those around them. At the heart of their perfectionism may well lie a voice from their childhood constantly telling them that they aren’t good enough. Their critical attitudes can certainly run out of hand, and this can make them extremely difficult to live with.
I often make the mistake of expecting of others what I would do for them. It's a lesson I've had to learn as I've grown, that everyone doesn't do things how I do them, and that's ok! I can, however, be very demanding in your interactions with me. As for the other part...well...like I said above...
These people have intense personalities and are capable of great achievements. Yet they can be torn by indecision, even spending years trying to make up their minds what course to follow. At times they may put so much time and exertion into a nonproductive effort, perhaps a hobby or a relationship, that they leave themselves little time or energy for more positive endeavors. Highly challenged by problems, they may find it difficult to give up, fail or even admit that they have been wasting their time.
I hate quitting. I hate feeling like a quitter. Giving up is just as bad as getting beat or losing to me. Unfortunately, this trait appears a lot in my relationships. Often I want to stick and try to make things work that just ... aren't. I don't know when it's time to give up. How do you figure that out?
Such individuals are usually quite emotionally complex. They often give an impression of coolness that masks a maelstrom of inner emotions. They have a tendency not only to get bottled up inside but to resist the attempts of others to help them out. Mastery of their feelings is usually a high priority for them
This couldn't be more accurate of me. I hate giving control over to my emotions, because then things become irrational. (I could write a whole separate blog on this topic.) I hate giving emotional reactions to things because they are often either overblown, or just plain out wrong. I pride myself on being able to control my emotions effectively. Honestly, this is probably leading to a lot of repression, which isn't healthy. And often I don't want help with expressing my emotions.
Those born during the Week of the Perfectionist have a wry sense of humor and often a biting wit, which can express itself in many forms, but principally in irony and sarcasm. Their humor is not generally intended to hurt, however, or even to make others laugh, but to make them think. They can make scathing criticisms that may wound those close to them deeply, yet they probably don’t fully realize the emotional effects of their statements.
I often tell people that I have a sharp tongue. I also find myself hurting people's feelings a lot of times with my words, when I absolutely meant no harm whatsoever. And yes, most of my humor is based in sarcasm. My words are often my most dangerous weapon.
Anyway...that's enough about me. If you've gotten this far, this is the type of information that it gives you about yourself, but there's WAAAAAYYY more than I could even begin to explain to you. Your reward if you've made it to the end of this blog is the link. :) Enjoy your Personology!
You'd never felt so far away...
As the last night you laid next to me.
Things were different.
You...were different.
The moon wasn't as bright...
The stars weren't as numerous.
Felt like the sun wasn't gonna rise
the next morn.
You were there but...
your heart wasn't anymore.
You had decided to lock it back up
in the baggage you carried with you
everywhere.
Instead of offering to carry your bags
I was too busy adjusting mine.
And what neither of us realized is...
When you're ego tripping
there's nowhere to check your baggage.
I feel the need to address something really quick, then I'll be out. Frequently I see people challenging others to accept their flaws fully because that's who they are. They know how severely flawed they are, and just how much it can ruin their interractions with others, but they maintain that the person who may be interested in them should just choose to accept and deal with it. They just deem people that they've hurt and run off in the past as not strong enough to deal with their personality.
To this I say no. Be better.
Part of life is growth and learning about yourself right? As you grow and get older you should learn more and more about yourself, your likes, dislikes, positive qualities, and faults. If you know your faults, do what it takes to improve! Why expect someone to handle and embrace what YOU don't even deem as positive about yourself? Then they wonder why they are left alone in the end. Instead of trying to be better, they just keep chugging along wondering when someone is going to come along that is strong enough to handle their personality.
This Friday evening, ya boy graduates with his Master of Arts degree in Communications with an emphasis in Promotion. I'm on course to graduate with a perfect 4.0 grade point average in my graduate coursework. Do you know how proud of myself I am? Man!
In reflecting, I look at how far my journey has come, and I am not ashamed to pat myself on the back in a congratulatory manner. If you would have asked me 6 years ago if I would have finished undergrad, let alone grad school, I would have probably laughed in your face. I thank God that I got a second chance with school, and I'm trying hard to leave my regrets of the past, IN the past.
And let me tell you how God just be showing off. In addition to grad school, I've been slaving away working two retail jobs to make ends meet, and it's been a struggle. The other day I was just praying for some kind of financial blessing, an employment blessing, and just overall for my situation to improve. I got in the car yesterday after work and had a message from a resume I submitted for a job that actually utilizes my degree(s). The lady who answered said, "Look I don't want to waste your time, so I'm gonna let you know up front all we can offer is $x per year."
Listen. That's more than what I make, AND it's in my degree field?! So we're setting up an interview for next week. Look at God! Won't He do it?
The other reason I'm excited about this weekend is that my little brother is graduating from high school, and I couldn't be more proud. It seems like he's grown up so quickly! It's been awesome, though, to see him do what he has to do to get his business taken care of. That's a great part of growing up, and something that I didn't take to as well as he has recently. He's actually starting college at Missouri State University in June. He's nervous, but I know he can and will be successful. Love you bro. I promise to continue to try and be a positive example of a man to you.
You know...it's just amazing to finally see God moving in my life. I know I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm trying.
Anyway, I hadn't written in a while, and I wanted y'all to know I hadn't forgotten about you. Y'all be easy.
I couldn't begin to tell you...
How I felt when you looked at me.
And when you described your love my heart melted...
...like how the colors in the sunset melt together creating a beautiful picture.
And I couldn't begin to tell you...
how that day you told me you couldn't wait to marry me,
You made me the happiest man on earth.
I fell in love with you over and over... with each blink of my eyes.
I couldn't begin to tell you how when we made love...
my world stopped revolving around the sun, but chose you instead.
How I lived a life fulfilled with every rising and going down of you.
And I couldn't begin to tell you
how I wish that Daylight savings time would've happened every day.
Just so you could spring forward into my arms...
... and maybe I could fall back in love with you...
See...
I couldn't begin to tell you
how I have wanted to erase the art we painted from every canvass in my world.
Go back to the blank slate that was my world before you.
And see...
I couldn't begin to tell you...
How badly you hurt me. You were AIDS, cancer, arthritis, and broken bones...
All thrown into my mixed bag of emotions.
I couldn't begin to tell you...
How you broke me down like an old car on the side of the road.
Not even Triple-A could fix my heart.
Not when you towed every facet of you out of my life.
So see...I couldn't begin to tell you...
that no matter how much I loved you,
I wish we never painted a life together.
That we'd left our canvas blank,
devoid of any art of hearts to be put on display.
I still love you, but...
I couldn't begin to tell you.
I had a chat with a good friend of mine today. I hadn't seen her in awhile, so it was really good to sit and chat with her.
At one point we got to talking about relationships and settling down. It was mentioned that a big part of loving someone properly and growing when in a relationship is maturity. The more I thought about it, the more that rung so true to me. In almost every facet of relationships/dating/etc., a certain level of maturity is needed if it's going to work successfully.
When I thought back on my past relationships and dating situations, I realized that a big part of why they failed was a lack of maturity on either my part or the other person's. One of the biggest areas that this comes into play is in communication. Communication, as we all know, is integral to a positive relationship. Maturity is integral to positive communication, especially when you're having problems.
If you're having an issue with your significant other or the person you're dating, knowing how to effectively communicate that issue with a certain level of maturity will help in getting over the issue. Even if everything results in arguing, there's a way to argue with a level of maturity. Name calling and saying things you don't really mean isn't maturity. Being able to agree to disagree, or even simply argue what the actual matter is instead of bringing up old stuff also requires a level of maturity.
Honestly, a big part of all of realizing all of this is knowing yourself and your faults. It doesn't stop, however, at identifying those faults. You have to do something to improve upon those faults. You always see people saying stuff like "If you can't deal with me at my worst..." and stuff like that. While that's true to a certain extent, you can't just always expect people to deal with you when you're "at your worst."You have to be mature enough to know you're "at your worst" and do something to change that.
Sorry if all this seems a little scatter brained. Y'all be easy.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately ... mainly reflecting on some of the things I've been through recently, and some of the pains I've experienced emotionally and physically. Through that introspection, I've realized that I have trust issues.
I don't have the normal trust issues. Mine have more to do with dating and believing people are sincere in expressing their feelings for me to me. I knew I had some doubts and such, but through a conversation this morning, I realized that it's a full blown ISSUE. *cue dramatic music*
Have you ever planned a future with someone? I don't mean whimsical talk, I mean full on making plans ... only to feel like those plans were snatched from you? Over the years, I've had different people that I've loved tell me things ... feelings. Then their actions are in total discrepancy with what they've told me. Those types of occurrences will make you question what you feel like you deserve. Each time something like that happens, it's a blow to your self-worth.
I can deal with a person or people telling me I'm not good enough. I don't deal quite as well with someone saying I'm more than enough, then their actions expressing the total opposite. Frankly, there's too many people out there who don't take the responsibility that is given to them over someone's feelings seriously. Especially when they've asked for that responsibility.
What can be equally as frustrating is when people who've never been through that kind of hurt don't understand and try tell you that you should be different. They don't understand how that hurt can make you question the sincerity of every word that comes out of their mouth.
Like ... literally. I question everything that someone says to me when showing interest, and I hate that. But when it comes down to it, I've heard it all before, and believed it. Then it was snatched away.
I was raised with the mantra "Say what you mean, and mean what you say." In other words, let your actions follow suit with your words. I'm sincere as all hell when I express my feelings to someone. Is it so bad to want that same respect in return? Whoever I end up with is going to have to put in work, and have patience with me. It's going to take consistent growth and hard work.
I guess ... growing up, I never thought I'd be that person with trust issues. That people who gave me lip service would not act accordingly. My mistake for thinking I was different I guess.
So, I don't normally enter contests and the like, but I decided to enter one that is through my job.
It's called the "Live Your Life" campaign. Do I expect to win? Eh. I just want to have a good showing. With that said, I'd really appreciate your vote. You can vote once a day, so I'd really appreciate it if you took the time to vote and continue to vote for ya boy. Just hit this link and it'll take you right to my profile https://live.ae.com/#/entries/3452
That page will also give you an idea of who I am, and what I like to do. Check it out! And vote!
I haven't written in awhile, but I wanted to stop by and get some stuff out real quick that's been on my mind for awhile.
Simply stated: I'm confused on what falling in love is supposed to feel like anymore.
I've experienced the whirlwind, movie-like romances, and I've experienced the kind where we had to really work at it, and things didn't come so "easily."
It's funny because those whirlwind romances give you some inclination that that's what it's supposed to be, and who doesn't want that? The scary part is that just how some of those whirlwind love connections came out of nowhere, some of them disappeared just as quickly. Could this be because the foundation of the relationship wasn't strong enough? Who knows.
Now the relationships where I had to really work at it seemed to last longer. But the whole idea of that comes across as...boring...sometimes. Loving someone and being in a relationship should come easy for the most part right?
Look, I know relationships period are hard work. It takes dedication..resiliency..etc. However, because I've experienced so many different types of relationships, and to this point none of them have worked out, I'm confused on what exactly it's supposed to feel like. And I don't wanna hear the "you know when you know" cliche' because I've thought I knew a couple times. Obviously I was wrong.
I guess you can add this to the heap of other things in my life that I'm confused about at the moment. I always thought growing up that as you got older, you figured out more about life ... that you got more answers. As I've grown through my twenties it seems like I'm only getting more questions.
"This is the number one rule for your set, in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets."
Regrets...who doesn't have them? I don't care what any person says, if there was a way for one to go back and change something ... anything in their past, I truly believe everyone would jump at the opportunity. For some, it may be "the one that got away," or a bad financial decision, or telling a loved one something before they died, or even passing on the opportunity to meet someone.
For me? I would have started my post-secondary education differently.
If you read my last blog, you've already learned that for a long time I've struggled with knowing what my passion was, and what I wanted to be. This started early.
I graduated high school in the spring of 2002. In hindsight, I remember feeling very overwhelming my senior year. Back then, I was all about appearances, and what people thought of me mattered quite a bit, though you would have never seen me admit it. My actions spoke otherwise.
In high school, my career path was aimed at the military. I was in AFJROTC, and during my senior year of high school, I earned an Air Force ROTC 3-year scholarship to the school of my choice. This meant my schooling was more or less taken care of. During the application process you have to choose your major, and I chose electrical engineering. In hindsight, I realize that I chose that major because I was taking the easy way out. I was afraid. I didn't have enough confidence in myself. I chose electrical engineering because I'd read that's what the military needed most. I figured I wouldn't get turned down for the scholarship if I chose that major.
I was dead set on attending the University of Southern California for college. I didn't, however, think I'd get in. I remember going to an informational and seeing some other friends from other schools who I KNEW for a fact had better grades than I. When I saw how nervous they were, I resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't be going to school there.
I had also applied to Grambling State, University of Missouri-Columbia, Tennessee State, and my second choice, Howard University. I got into all of these universities. I chose Howard because my father lived in Baltimore and it would be a chance to get to know him more. I had visited DC and loved the city as well. Howard was also my only real exposure to HBCU's as I'd been to several "Classics" football games.
I remember my mom being so proud man. I used to be frustrated because it seemed she shared my good news with folks before I could. Hearing how proud she was of me, man. I felt so much pressure. I got to Howard, and I loved it there. The atmosphere was like none I've ever experienced. I wouldn't regret choosing to go there for anything.
However, I wasn't ready. I probably should have stayed local for awhile before I went away to school, but for reasons I'll blog about some other time, I wanted to get as far away from home as possible. I started well, but after awhile, I skipped classes, partied way too much, and basically just didn't handle my business. I ended up flunking out of Howard. I felt like I'd let everyone down man, especially my mother.
It has taken me a long time to get over that, and in a lot of ways, it still haunts me. I regret every day failing out of school, even now that I have my degree and am working on my Master's. But you have to learn how to accept and live with those regrets. You have to figure a way to use those regrets as motivation to do better ... to be better. You have to gain understanding that just because you develop a plan for how your life will go, the chances of your life actually following the plan that you set forth are slim to nil. Most importantly, you have to understand that THAT'S OK.
It's taken me so long to understand that it's ok to fail. Failure is definitely not the end. And having regrets is perfectly normal. Just don't become consumed by them. Build on them. Use them as stepping stones to something better.
"...On the...rise to the top, never drop, don't forget, in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets."
I used to hate this question. I hated it because I didn't know the answer, and that made me feel inadequate and foolish.
I went to school and got a degree in journalism, but I don't want to be a journalist. Hell, I really am not that fond of writing, and I don't think I'm that good, although I've always heard otherwise. I thought I knew what I wanted to do for a career, but it seems like that door is closing/has closed...ship is sailing...whatever.
Here I am in my mid twenties and I didn't know what I was passionate about, or what I wanted to be when I "grew up." I think within the past year, I'm just realizing the answer to what I'm passionate about. I'm passionate about people and dynamics of the relationships between them. But what do I do with that?
I'm currently 28 years old, about to graduate with a Master's in Communications with an emphasis in Promotions, and I don't know what I want for my life, which is frustrating. I mean I know the general parameters. I don't have to be rich, but I want to be comfortable, such that my family doesn't have to want for anything. I don't need extravagant living. I do want to get married and have a family. I look forward to all of that. But specifics? *le sigh*
Yes, I'm passionate about people, but I don't know how to channel that into doing something I love. I love sharing my knowledge about what I've learned through relationships and friendships. I could write a book but as I said, I really am not that fond of writing. And I don't feel like I have enough knowledge to fill the pages of a book.
I could get into public speaking/self-help seminars, but how do you even break into that field of being a public speaker in that arena?
I just...it's frustrating looking around you and seeing others who seem to have their wants in life figured out, and I'm still here feeling like I'm wandering around aimlessly.
So, I went to church today. I honestly don't quite remember the last time I went. That isn't out of unbelief, or shame. I realized while in church today that it might be out of anger. I'm suppressing an anger I have with God.
If you've read my work before, I've always struggled with my relationship with God. I did a lot of thinking today in church. I paid loose attention to the message today, which was about loving God with all of your strength and all of your soul ... but more than anything I did some thinking.
I've realized that over this past year, I have felt like God has failed me. Like He's let me down. Like He's put me in situations just because, and not for a reason. And I know I know, His ways are not our own and yadda yadda. Regardless of that fact, it has lead to me becoming jaded.
I literally fought back tears today during praise and worship, which is uncommon for me. I'm not an outwardly emotional person, and that's no different when it comes to church. The song was about loving the Lord, and I do love Him. It's just...so frustrating loving while being angry. This year has been filled with heartbreak, financial hardship, rough relationships with people, facing things from my past, etc. In many of those situations I've prayed asking God to show me what's right, to show me the road to travel, to show me who to keep in my life, etc., and unfortunately I don't feel like I was answered, or I don't see the use in what answer was given.
I am mad at God. I feel like I've been left hanging. I feel...ignored. And I hate that feeling.
I know a big part of it is that I need to open my eyes to the bigger picture. I don't like being angry with God, and I'm trying to overcome that. I don't know...
*sigh* I'm rambling.
So...God, I know you're reading this. Where are you man? Show me something...
In that post I gave the analogy of comparing healing internally to healing a sore externally.
"When it comes to healing...sometimes you have to just let your feelings and emotions go raw in order to heal."
That feeling...that rawness...can be so tough. I try my best not to become spiteful during healing. The Bible says we should forgive, and I've always heard that we should forgive not only for the other person, but to allow ourselves to move past the hurt. Sometimes when you haven't forgiven the person or people who have caused you pain, the healing process is slowed. You come into contact with them in some form or fashion and that scab that was forming over your emotional sores gets ripped back off, and you feel raw again.
I think I have that part down.
But how do you know when you're ready to walk into the fire again? That's what I struggle with. A good friend recently told me that when you want something like that, there's nothing that will keep you from it. I'm guessing that would include past hurts. It should be an easy decision if it's what you want. I don't know that that's what I feel. I don't know that I agree with that. It's not that...black and white for me.
Allow me to tell you a story. A cute dog is walking down the street. He sees someone sitting on some steps with some snacks, who beckons the dog over. The dog approaches the person happily. The person punches the dog in the snout and the dog runs. Further down the street, the dog, now with a couple bruises, sees another person sitting on a porch with some snacks. The person beckons the dog over. Hesitantly, the dog approaches the person holding out the snacks. The person kicks the dog and the dog runs. On the next block, while battered and limping, the dog sees a person sitting on the porch with a huge bag of snacks. The person smiles sweetly and beckons the dog over. The dog stops at the end of the walkway, afraid of approaching for fear of being hit again.
I feel like that dog. I've forgiven those who have hurt me in the past, but how do you not let that affect how you proceed in the future? How do you know when you're ready?
It's so true that "hurt people, hurt people." There's always some form of collateral damage not only when people are hurt, but when they're healing too.
I've felt so lost today simply because there's so much going on in my head. So many questions being asked in which there are no definitive answers. All of them circle around my fears.
They Say you should bring in the New Year doing what you want to happen for the next 365. I brought in the new year loving you... I want to love you more you see... ...and it's no coincidence I kissed you from midnight to 1:43. See I don't believe in numerology But I know you + me x eternity is a pretty easy equation.
My heart is on an all out invation and you're the target. I tried to arm myself against you... but my defenses failed. You're in. You're in and... ...if my only sin is not thanking God for simply waking me up but waking me up next to you I want to spend the next 365... 52 weeks 12 months in sin. Loving you.
