These Eyes Have Seen...

This last week has been one of the busiest, stressful, and emotionally torrential weeks I've ever experienced.

As many of you know by now, last Wednesday, Vonderrit Myers was gunned down by an off-duty police officer working a secondary and neighborhood security. He was stopped because he looked suspicious, and reportedly fired at the officer, who in turn shot at Vonderrit 16 times.

Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.

Are you sick to your stomach yet? If not, try saying it out loud.

Since then this city, still looming in the shadow of Mike Brown's death in August, has erupted in peaceful protests again. Personally, I have been out in the streets protesting and/or assisting protesters every night since last Thursday. The following are just some of the things my eyes have seen in that time.

(All of the following photos were taken by me.)

This has been my life this last week. Protests, planning, meeting with people, avoiding police, working my regular job(s), and standing up for what's right. 

Why am I out here? Because Mike Brown could've been my little brother. Vonderrit Myers could've been my little brother. John Crawford could've been me. The level of unjust treatment of blacks in this country by the very police force that is supposed to "protect and serve" in our communities is ludicrous. There is a reason black people don't like, nor feel comfortable around members of the police force. They poke and prod, and attempt to provoke those who are nonviolently protesting on the very sidewalks that they have deemed we have the right to protest on. I have seen officers of the law blow kisses at women protesters, push and shove journalists, grab at innocent and nonviolent protesters, and a litany of other things that if the public TRULY saw, would be very ashamed. 

And I can't stand for that. I stand for what's right. And I'll continue to stand until things change. Until the people and mindset change. 

Y'all be easy. 

Glow

She told me I glowed.
That I illuminated everything around me with light.
That I was her beacon at night and
Her  reason to fight for happiness.
That I made the mess less.
She told me I shined like the country thick sun
Setting on the horizon.
That I was the lighthouse on the dock
And she the ship steadying itself
In choppy waters.
That I was the second hand on the clock.
Consistently moving forward.
Not too fast.
Not too slow.
Just the right pace.
She said I put a smile on her face.
That my smile set ablaze to her heart
And
She wanted to be a part of that.
Now she wants to be apart from that.
How does one embark from that?
Wh y would you want a fresh start from that?
I don't know.
She doesn't realize...
She was the reason for
My glow.

Fears...

You broke me.
 I was a glass house into which you threw stones...
And what was to be our happiness ended up
hurting worse than broken bones.
This fear won't leave me alone.
See...
You have instilled in my heart, walls.
Walls that could take eons of time to conquer.
To climb them, some would see as suicide.
You tore down my pride and now I'm...
...afraid.
You broke my being into thousands of pieces and
left me standing there still trying to piece together...
What was supposed to be forever to you was just never going to be.
You scared me.
 What do I do when someone leaves my heart
tattered and torn?
Beaten and worn?
How do I stop being afraid to give someone new
the repaired mess that you made?
It's hard to understand how someone could overlook these scars
But even rich people buy used cars sometimes...
I try to let my fear release through these lines
in hopes that the crimes you made against my heart
can be acquitted with time served...
so I can know that my fears have
been reformed.

R.I.P. Michael Brown

I'm writing tonight with such a heavy heart.



This evening, while at work, a friend texted me asking me if I was okay, and telling me about a shooting in Ferguson, MO ... a suburb of St. Louis. I quickly did a search to find out what happened, and my heart sank.

This afternoon, 17 year-old Mike Brown was gunned down by police. He was unarmed. According to reports, he was shot once, surrendered with his hands up, and was shot again. Head ... chest.  Afterwards, his body would lay in the streets for four more hours before being removed, two of those hours uncovered. His grandmother had seen him minutes before walking down the street toward their home as she drove by. When she arrived at home, she heard a commotion outside. When she went to see what was going on, she saw her grandson laying dead, body riddled with bullets.

Jesus help us.

Being frank, we live in a day and age where it seems the police are just as much a danger to black people as other potential criminals. It certainly doesn't seem like we receive the same amount of protection as others ethnic groups. It happens over and over, that people who's faces look like mine are in the media after being gunned down unnecessarily by the police. And then people wonder why the relationship between blacks and the police is so contentious.



If you're not black and reading this, I ask you, do you get nervous in the presence of police? If so, why?

The reason blacks are uneasy in the presence of police is because we feel like our lives are in danger. Blacks are conditioned to fear for our lives around police due to previous experience, stories, media, and upbringing. We are taught during our upbringing how to protect ourselves not only from potential assailants, but from police. "If you're pulled over, keep your hands on the steering wheel. Don't move. Don't reach for anything. Stare straight ahead." Those are things I was taught by my mother. Where is the justice in that?

At this point, what do we do? How do you fight against the people who are supposed to protect you? Where do we even begin? Once again, another of our black sons has been gunned down in the streets by law enforcement.

Weird...doesn't seem like they're enforcing law. It seems like they're merely enforcing their will.

I know this is short, but ... I'm hurting y'all. And at a loss.

God Bless.

When Will Black Men Stand Up For Our Black Women?

(This was originally a conversation on my twitter page. See here for a link to the posts.)

So...I have a blog in my heart I need to get out. The topic is how we as black men support our black women.

So when it comes to standing up for/beside/behind black men, women step up to the plate every time.Black men? We don't. And that makes me ashamed man. Why can't we be better about that? We have to be. 

Frankly, as black men we all should be ashamed at the collective effort to support our black women.You know how rough they have it? They are black AND women. Double whammy. Twitter is a perfect microcosm of what goes on in the real world. Black men stand by while our black women are drug through the mud. And I know this is a highly debated topic, but patriarchy is a big cause if this.

We've got to be better, myself included. It starts with standing up for our black women against other black men. So many black men are conditioned to mistreat black women to the point they are conditioned to accept it. Sad state of affairs.

It's...depressing.

Yet our black women are there right behind us...supporting us nonetheless. Take care of home. Black women are home. And we are leaving that house to fend for itself. I've spent so much time looking and analyzing...shaking my head and observing. I've pushed and supported the black women in MY life. I can and should be doing more.

Black women are out here putting their neck on the line in support of us. We may not be the ones cutting them off, but we damn sure sharpen the tool. And who is holding black men accountable? No one. When we should be self-policing. We outchea just standing by. When has that ever created change?!

Just...be better. And encourage other black women around you to be better. If enough of us start supporting our black women, standing up for our black women, it'll become contagious. There are not enough black men out here standing up. Black women do it all the time and it seems to fall on deaf ears. Maybe if more black men talk about it the message will come across.

As always...black women, you all are so damn wonderful. Know that.

Y'all be easy.

Symphony #844

My body duets to yours, whispering from behind...

"I got you. Let me take you for this ride..."

as I pleasure what's mine. 

Pleasing you is what I crave. 

Your body convex, mine concave. 

Your hands reaching for nothing...

and everything with each heavy breath

Like a conductor guiding music. 

Your moans sing to me sweet simple lyrics....

"Yes..."

"Right there baby..."

"Shit..."

"I missed this..."

While my strokes sing along.

Your thighs join in on the chorus...

singing in a violent vibrato

As I conduct our orgasmic symphony. 

Sighs like the string section...

My strokes hitting hard like timpanis...

How did we get here? Your body called me to hear it's concerto. 

Moans on a rhythmic crescendo...

Falsettos in accelerando. 

A cappellas and accentato...

You'd rather go adagietto but baby this is my stroke show.

Strumming like a cello, rub it real slow

Strum the right notes leave your thighs like jello...

You say, "If you need an instrument you can play me"

I'll play you baby...making sure to get the right notes fingered carefully...

As our bodies create an orgasmic...

Symphony 844.

(With contributions from @NakedDiary and @BeutfulStranger)

New Beginnings...

We always joke that life comes at you fast, and as I have traversed through my twenties, I've realized just how true that is. As I approach my 30th birthday, I've been trying to make some major changes in my life. I'm all about new beginnings this year.

A big part of that new beginning, as some of you have already seen, was cutting my hair. Last night, I cut my 99 locs off. It was ... hard. Harder than I thought it'd be. It's always said, "I am not my hair," but when it comes down to it, your hair is indeed a part of you. It's part of your identity, your image, and how people remember you. 

I had been growing my hair for almost five years. I started in the fall of 2009, and locing my hair since Spring of 2010. Four years. It was definitely a journey. For anyone who has loc'd their hair, you develop a relationship with them. They get on your nerves, don't always act right, but you love them nonetheless. It takes so much patience and love to cultivate healthy and beautiful locs. And this was my second relationship with them.

For those that know me personally and follow me on Twitter, I've been thinking about cutting my hair for months now. I finally decided that it was time. I've always heard that hair holds energy, both positive and negatively. I firmly believe that. And it's interesting because since I cut them last night, I feel lighter. Lighter both literally and figuratively. It's...interesting. I feel relieved. New. Good. 

So this is me, anew. Big ass head and all. Ready for new beginnings. A fresh start. And I'm SO looking forward to it! 

30? I'll see you September 29, and we're gonna make it a good one. 

Be easy.

The Last Fall

The road to genuine interest, to infatuation, to general feelings, to "what is this now" is really tricky. We try to examine every little thing that doesn't happen, and forget to look up and enjoy the limitless possibilities in front of us. We're scared to make the last minute mistake again, we don't want to be wrong anymore, but the fear and doubts cloud our vision. We care more about getting it right than we do each other ... we'd rather fight to prove our point than work together towards a solution. 

We fear the journey happiness requires.

- Rob Hill, Sr.

We spend so much time learning how to avoid getting hurt, but no one ever teaches us how to recover from hurt. Everyone's hurt stems from somewhere. For instance, mine stems from abandonment, I'll go into that a little further later. Some of us learn how to fully process that hurt and pain and past relationship experiences, and let it go. Some learn how to begin to process it, but in some ways still hold on to past hurt and experiences. Some just sweep them under the rug and never deal, then wonder why they have the same reoccurring issues.

Here's the thing. Too many of us are out here trying so hard not to end up with messed up folks in relationships. At a certain point, we become so focused on: 1. Not messing up, but 2. Finding what's not perfect about the other party. We've become so conditioned to trying to find out why a person isn't for you, that we ignore so many reasons as to why they are.

Due to past relationships, familial and non, I always fear people just up and leaving. It doesn't make me clingy, at least I don't think. But it does strike fear in my heart at the first sign of someone distancing their self, because those signs remind me of what I've already been through several times. It's rough. As soon as your pattern of behavior gives me doubts about the future of your presence, I instantly go into defense mode.

Like Phonte once said, "It's hard, but it's real."

I think what it comes down to is no one ever learns about forgiving yourself. Parents teach about forgiving others all the time, but man, forgiving yourself is so important. Forgiving yourself is one of the most integral parts of moving on from hurt and bad experiences. One of the things that bothers us most when we are coming out of a bad situation is that we allowed ourselves to be there in the first place. In hindsight, we know that we deserve better than what we allowed for ourselves.

As I was stating above, everyone's fear when it comes to vulnerability and relationships stems from somewhere. For some it comes from loyalty (or disloyalty), lack of self-esteem, dealing with people who have narcissistic personality disorder, etc. As I said, personally my issues stem from abandonment. Would I say I have abandonment issues? No. But do I have a fear that stems from past "abandonments?" Sure.

I've had prior relationships that were very serious in nature, where for some reason or another, the person decided they didn't want to be a part of my life anymore, and left. Just like that. So it's hard to balance between what is a red flag and what I'm simply overthinking. When you've had past dealings that ended badly, in the future, anything that resembles that occurrence gives you pause. After awhile, you start to feel dumb for even entertaining giving someone the benefit of the doubt. So where does the discernment lie?

How do you decide what should be a red flag, and what is just a random occurrence? Everyone always tells me trust my intuition, but where has that gotten me? To this point. So with each occurrence, MORE alarms me. I'm trying to figure what should and shouldn't. And I try, Lord I try not to project my past onto my present or potential future. But sometimes ... man. There's a certain magic in the strength it takes to exhibit consistent vulnerability.

What gets hard to remember, is that we are all human, and we mess up. Just because we mess up doesn't mean the past is repeating itself. Holding onto that thought is what helps me to keep giving people the benefit of the doubt.

When it comes down to it, I just want my next one to be my best one. I'm tired of getting it wrong with the wrong people. Someone who I don't feel those fears with because we've allowed each other to know each other intimately, and to feel secure in the fact that the past won't repeat itself. Again.

Y'all be easy.

We Were Broken

See ... we were broken. 

No matter how we tried, we

couldn't be repaired. 

15 Texts I Never Sent...

(I can't claim this one. It was from a post I saw on Tumblr)

It's been 15 months and I still miss you like a limb.

I didn't know my bones could ache until I met you.

You know, a week before we broke up, do you remember?
I bought a book a poetry and you asked why I didn't read something more interesting.
I could feel my inside splinter.

You said poetry was all lies dressed up to sound pretty.
When I look at you these days, I want to ask if sadness sounds pretty to you.

It's 3AM and this alcohol tastes like you.

I saw you staring at me in the store today. I smiled and you didn't smile back.
I almost cried.

The girl who sits next to me in class smells like you.

I miss you.

I've never had so many bad nights.

Sometimes I write poetry about you on the internet.
Strangers who have never met either of us think you're cruel...
...they tell me if they ever had the honor of loving me
they'd never give upon me and you're insane
for walking away.

They think it is beautiful how I am broken.
I don't think they understand.

You used to tell me I was beautiful.
I tried saying it in the mirror the other day,
but it sounded wrong without your mouth wrapped around it.

Everything I say sounds wrong without your mouth wrapped around it.

We didn't last forever, but oh God, we could have.
We could have...

Beneath the Surface: 11 Things Women Do That Men Find Attractive

Huffington Post: Women recently released a list of 11 things that men do, that women find attractive. As a man who is always trying to grow my appeal to the opposite sex, this immediately interested me, so I questioned my Twitter followers about the validity of some of the things on the list. This encouraged further conversation about the nonsexual things that men do, that women found attractive.

In an attempt at reciprocation, I also questioned the men on my timeline about the nonsexual things that women do, that men find attractive. For those of you that do follow me on Twitter, you know that I'm trying to make 2014 all about positivity. In an attempt to feed into that, my goal was to create 11 things that women do, that men find attractive. After scouring, reading, and rereading all of the replies I got yesterday (which were in the hundreds, and continued into today), I have narrowed all of the answers down to the best and most popular 11.

Without further ado...
11 Things that Women Do That Men Find Attractive

11.) Concentrate: This ranged from watching a woman do homework/study to watching her put on makeup in the mirror. Watching a woman use her brain is endearing and sexy.

10.) Exercise: Knowing a woman not only cares about her personal appearance, but her overall health is important to men. We all know men are visual creatures. A woman going the extra mile to maintain her appearance definitely catches a man's attention. Also, it's fun to watch!

Work out. RT @kidnoble Fellas. What’s something that women do (non sexual), that you find attractive? #NobleQuest”
— Bonesaw McGraw (@LSE7ENZ) January 31, 2014

 9.) Show Independence: Knowing a woman has her own life and isn't dependent upon a man is important to men. One reason is that it shows we won't be nagged for our time constantly. A woman who has her own also shows a man that she knows how to take care of her business!

 8.) Listen: As men, we aren't especially prone to talk about our personal feelings/thoughts on frequent occasion. Having a woman who knows when to listen to us without objecting or challenging is important. If we know you're listening, we're more likely to share. Listening also shows the woman has interest in not only what we have to say, but the things we take interest in.

 7.) Get Dressed (Up): This is especially endearing because a part of us feels like you're going the extra mile to look good for us men. There's nothing like watching a woman go through each meticulous step getting dressed up to make sure she looks absolutely perfect and swoon-worthy.

Get dressed up. I love watching. RT @kidnoble: Fellas. What's something that women do (non sexual), that you find attractive? #NobleQuest
— Lord Nick (@Kingwole) January 30, 2014

 6.) Having Ambition/Goals: Having ambition and goals let's a man know that he can grow with you. It let's him know that if he's in a relationship with you, it won't become stagnant because as a couple you'll always be striving for new heights. Knowing we can build with you is important.

 5.) Encourage & Support: For many men, this is number one. Men are expected to always exhibit strength and control. If there's one place we need to know we can be soft, it's with the woman in our lives. We're always expected to exhibit confidence to the world, so knowing we have someone in our corner who KNOWS we can do anything, and pushes us correctly to achieve is paramount.

“@kidnoble: Fellas. What's something that women do (non sexual), that you find attractive? #NobleQuest” speak encouraging words
— iBeast (@MisterRiley85) January 31, 2014

 4.) Show a Sense of Humor: There's not many things more endearing than a woman who can find the humor in life/doesn't take things too seriously. Being able to share a nice hearty laugh can go a long way in endearing a man to a woman. Men can be playful. We need to know that you'll play along! Also, being able to dish those jokes back out gets you bonus points!

 3.) Read: As one tweeter said, there is nothing sexier than a woman with a book in her hand. Reading broadens your horizons, improves your spelling & grammar, informs, and teaches. Reading can be a show of intelligence, and it's definitely one that men notice.

appreciate a good book/music “@kidnoble: Fellas. What’s something that women do (non sexual), that you find attractive? #NobleQuest”
— En Sabah Nur (@HermesSocrates) January 31, 2014

 2.) Cook: Yeah, I know it sounds cliche', but being able to cook stands out to us. This is especially true if it comes easy and naturally to you. Watching a woman move about a kitchen in her own world effortlessly preparing a meal with love is a beautiful thing. Knowing that you've put your love and time into satisfying a man with your food goes a long way. As the old adage says, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

and finally ...

 1.) Laugh/Smile: This was by far the most offered response from the fellas on Twitter. Ladies, your smiles can light up a room, drastically improve a mood, and make everything in your man's world seem okay. The only thing that's even comparable to the beauty of a woman's laugh is a child's laugh. A woman's smile can move mountains, stop time, brighten the darkness, stop rain, and fix problems.

Smile so big that I can't help but smile“@kidnoble:Fellas.What's something that women do (nonsexual), that you find attractive? #NobleQuest”
— Sweet Jones (@iLLifeMike) January 31, 2014

So these were the top 11 things that women do that men find attractive. Fellas, are there any other things you'd add to this list? Ladies, did you learn anything new here? What are some endearing things your partner does? Feel free to leave comments below and let me know your thoughts!

The Polarization of Richard Sherman

It's no secret that I'm not a fan of the Seattle Seahawks, and by default, Richard Sherman.

Yesterday's events at the end of the NFC Championship are a microcosm of why I, personally, am not a fan of his. But allow me to step outside of my personal bias about his personality. It's been well documented, the thoughts of many on Sherman's antics after the game, whether watchers agreed or disagreed with it.

Here's my thing. I have no problem with flashy/flamboyant players. In fact, I LOVED watching Chad (Johnson) OchoCinco play the game. He had FUN. He was entertaining. But his having fun didn't take away from the product on the field. It didn't take away from the success of his team. It also didn't perpetuate the myth in America that black men are aggressive, angry, and intimidating.

Richard Sherman's tirade yesterday perpetuated that myth.

I used to hear a joke when I was younger that blacks are great at math, since we always have to multiply by two. We have to be twice as smart, twice as fast, twice as good in order to be seen equal with our counterparts. Sherman is twice as fast, and twice as good, but I hesitate to say he was really thinking about how his actions yesterday not only affected the public view of his team, and himself as a player, but how it perpetuates the myth that I stated above about black men.  It wasn't smart.

I understand Sherman's background: he comes from Compton. He's VERY well educated. And he's an outstanding football player, one of the best in the league. I understand also the gravity of the situation: this game was for a ticket to the Super Bowl against a hated rival team. But when it comes down to it, you still have to think about how your personal actions affect others. On a nationally televised stage, Richard Sherman was an angry black man.

Although the Seahawks have been a top NFL team for two seasons now, I would venture to say that most in this country aren't knowledgeable about the team. This isn't Sherman's fault, it's the fault of the media. They focus on major sports arenas like New York, and major figures like Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. After putting on a HELL of a show for the nation in an outstanding football game, fans aren't talking about how the Seattle Seahawks played. They're talking about Richard Sherman. A lot of America's first exposure to the Seattle Seahawks was an angry black man yelling at a female, white interviewer. What happened to the no one man is bigger than the team mantra?

Ironically, Richard Sherman is in a recent Beats By Dre campaign entitled "Hear What You Want To Hear." In the commercial, he turns the other cheek when a reporter asks him about being a thug. Instead of doing this in a commercial, he should follow the message in his commercial. Yes you made an amazing play. One that will be replayed for the next 10 years in NFL Playoff commercials. Let THAT be how fans remember you. Not yelling hysterically into the camera.

Sherman talks the talk, and backs that up by walking the walk. The issue is his talking usually ends up hurting the team. And as the old mantra says:

No one player is bigger than the team.

My Love Letter to Black Women

I was recently tasked by a Twitter friend to write a love letter to black women. I've actually been putting off writing this because I wasn't sure exactly what to say. It's not that I have nothing to say, it's that so much comes to mind that it's kind of hard to sort it all out. There's so much TO BE said, but I don't want to drone on and on. So...here goes. Nothing long...

Dear BW,

You are the most amazing of God's creations to me. Daily I see examples of women exuding the purest form of many adjectives we assign to people: beauty, strength, power, resilience. To me, you are the walking example of how God intended for woman to be; you're a walking example of those adjectives.

It saddens me that the world doesn't see you the same. The world sees beauty as Jennifer Aniston. The world sees power as Hillary Clinton. The world paints the black woman as ugly, irate, angry, needy, and undesirable. What's even sadder, is not only when black men start to believe this of black women, but when black women start to believe this of themselves.

Iyanla Vanzant once said, "Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth."

It's up to all of us to reaffirm your awesomeness. To let you AND the world know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are incomparable. So this is my pledge to you. I pledge to tell you that you are beautiful when the world decides you aren't. I pledge to be your support when the world has tried to knock you down a notch. I pledge to be a voice when the world tries to silence yours. And I pledge to fight for and with you. And when I'm lucky enough to be blessed with one of you as a life partner? I pledge to never take that for granted. I firmly believe that nobody loves another like a black woman loves a black man.

"We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth."

Together, the possibilities are endless and infinite. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are powerful. You are resilient. You are a beautiful black woman.

Love,

~Noble

Haiku

I thought you were real. 

Unfortunately it seems 

you were a bad dream.