Kinsmen

How I relate to other men in my life has been a point of introspection for a couple years. I've always had more female friends than male friends, and for years now, I've tried to pinpoint why.

I think I have.

Many of you who know me know that I didn't grow up around my father consistently until I was almost 20. For much of my life prior to age 10, the only adult male's I was around were a couple of my mother's friends/coworkers. I know she did her best to provide my younger self with positive male figures, and I feel like she did a good job of that. That still didn't necessarily provide an atmosphere for male love in the home or my every day life.

When I was about 10, my stepfather came along. He was a wonderful provider, but severely lacked at building relationships. He and my mother were married for over 15 years, but we never had a healthy parent-child relationship. He never made an attempt to form a father-like relationship with me.

I grew up not asking male parental figures for....well....anything.  And when it came to my stepfather, he was the type to throw something he did for you back in your face later on. There were days I would leave for school without lunch money because my mother told me to ask him, and I wouldn't.

I realized a while ago that I don't know how to build strong bonds with men in my life because I was never taught how. I'm now 30 and I still suffer from that. To date, there is one man I have built a strong enough bond with that we share a deep friendship, and that is my best friend. Other than he and my brother, I'm not really close to any other men like that. I don't share a level of brotherhood with anyone really, aside from my actual brother and best friend.

Is that weird? Uncommon?

#BlackExperience

Today on Twitter, I started a hashtag. I didn't think anything big would become of it nor was I expecting a huge response. Boy was I wrong. 

#BlackExperience was that hashtag. 

Those of you reading this who are people of color know what #BlackExperience is. #BlackExperience is that series of defining moments that remind you that you aren't the same as "them", with "them" being white people.

My white friends, if you're reading this and it makes you uncomfortable, good. You NEED to make yourself uncomfortable to understand what the #BlackExperience is. It's definitely not comfort for people of color. #BlackExperience is living in a state of discomfort for so long that we don't know what "comfort" feels like. In some cases, that #BlackExperience comes so early in our lives that we never know what comfort feels like. 

What exactly is #BlackExperience you ask? #BlackExperience is the story of the first time you were called a n*gger. It's the first time you experienced racism from white people, likely being under the age of 10. #BlackExperience is what you go through daily in your predominately white work place. It's having racial epithets yelled at you by passers-by while you wait on the bus stop. 

Frankly stated, #BlackExperience are those daily occurrences black people have experienced since before we could even speak that remind us that we're black. 

On Twitter today, I asked people to share three things: "When was the first time you were called n*gger? When was the LAST time you were called n*gger? When was the last time you experienced blatant racism?" The answers, both in quality and quantity, blew me away. 

Some people experienced being called a n*gger as young as age five. For some, their first time being called a n*gger was by a teacher or person of authority. And for some others, they told stories of being called n*gger leading to physical violence. 

The story that broke my heart most was of someone who had their skin clawed at by a little white boy because he wanted to "scratch the black off." These stories were the catalyst for me starting the hashtag #BlackExperience. 

I want the hashtag to be a meeting place where we feel comfortable enough to share our feelings and thoughts regarding our racist interactions with non-people of color, as well as a well-spring of knowledge and learning for white allies and potential white allies to assist them in checking their privilege. I don't expect the conversations taking place under the hashtag #BlackExperience to change the world, but if they've changed one mind...opened one set of eyes, I feel good about it. 

My plan is to continue having these conversations about the #BlackExperience on my Twitter timeline, while possibly bringing the conversation to my Facebook timeline as well. I'd like to make this a weekly conversation where I ask prompt questions to get the discussion going. If nothing becomes of this? That's fine. But I'd like to try. 

Sister Assats Shakur said "It is our duty to fight for freedom. It is our duty to win. We must love and support each other. We have nothing to lose but our chains." It is my duty to be steadfast after the freedom of people who look like me. 

Let's start that discussion. 

When was the first time you were called a n*gger? Share your experiences in the comments below.