How I relate to other men in my life has been a point of introspection for a couple years. I've always had more female friends than male friends, and for years now, I've tried to pinpoint why.
I think I have.
Many of you who know me know that I didn't grow up around my father consistently until I was almost 20. For much of my life prior to age 10, the only adult male's I was around were a couple of my mother's friends/coworkers. I know she did her best to provide my younger self with positive male figures, and I feel like she did a good job of that. That still didn't necessarily provide an atmosphere for male love in the home or my every day life.
When I was about 10, my stepfather came along. He was a wonderful provider, but severely lacked at building relationships. He and my mother were married for over 15 years, but we never had a healthy parent-child relationship. He never made an attempt to form a father-like relationship with me.
I grew up not asking male parental figures for....well....anything. And when it came to my stepfather, he was the type to throw something he did for you back in your face later on. There were days I would leave for school without lunch money because my mother told me to ask him, and I wouldn't.
I realized a while ago that I don't know how to build strong bonds with men in my life because I was never taught how. I'm now 30 and I still suffer from that. To date, there is one man I have built a strong enough bond with that we share a deep friendship, and that is my best friend. Other than he and my brother, I'm not really close to any other men like that. I don't share a level of brotherhood with anyone really, aside from my actual brother and best friend.
Is that weird? Uncommon?
Hmm. Pardon the length.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in a family of "strong" women. And as such, hugs were scarce and "walking it off" was common. As I got older I found I have issues bonding with anyone, really, even though I can be very tender in a romantic relationship. My circle is very small, while I "make" friends easily I do not "keep" them, and I go through long periods without interaction. I did a lot of soul-searching on it and found for me, this contradiction was a combination of a few factors:
-I had not taken into account my introverted nature when combined with my tendency to have jobs that require high interaction. I don't "crave" friendship connections because my job saps most of my energy for it. Which is why, while I'm quite cordial and easily make friends, my follow-up is horrible. At the same time, it also explains why I have a higher "need" for romantic connections, as obviously my job doesn't involve forehead kisses.
-When it came to how I view friendly, familial and romantic relationships, my family only colors my perception of two of those. There are no married people in my immediate family and my mother never openly dated. I never saw a relationship so the way I approach them is different, more open, even.
-This is going to sound odd, but for some people (like myself)..."friend" connections do not tug at their heart strings. Part of this is introversion, but another is just my wiring. I'm just not as emotionally attached to the concept of having a large "sister circle". I'm content with my two chosen sisters and a tiny cluster of "functional acquaintances" (occasion friends, like brunch buddy, happy hour pal, work wife, writing friend). If a friend "betrays" me or does me wrong or is selfish I'm very good at detaching myself from it and moving on (not cutting off), as opposed to a friend of mine that may be immobile for days with grief. Conversely, I may be that way for a romantic relationship, and my friend will look at me sideways because for her, as long as she has a "sister circle" men can come and go.
I guess for me understanding these things has allowed me to approach it differently and not be embarrassed or sad comparing my relationships to others. It's also allowed me the freedom to deepen the relationships I have without guild, as I realize maybe my heart just has room for some things and not others. And that's ok.