If you've read my work before, I've always struggled with my relationship with God. I did a lot of thinking today in church. I paid loose attention to the message today, which was about loving God with all of your strength and all of your soul ... but more than anything I did some thinking.
I've realized that over this past year, I have felt like God has failed me. Like He's let me down. Like He's put me in situations just because, and not for a reason. And I know I know, His ways are not our own and yadda yadda. Regardless of that fact, it has lead to me becoming jaded.
I literally fought back tears today during praise and worship, which is uncommon for me. I'm not an outwardly emotional person, and that's no different when it comes to church. The song was about loving the Lord, and I do love Him. It's just...so frustrating loving while being angry. This year has been filled with heartbreak, financial hardship, rough relationships with people, facing things from my past, etc. In many of those situations I've prayed asking God to show me what's right, to show me the road to travel, to show me who to keep in my life, etc., and unfortunately I don't feel like I was answered, or I don't see the use in what answer was given.
I am mad at God. I feel like I've been left hanging. I feel...ignored. And I hate that feeling.
I know a big part of it is that I need to open my eyes to the bigger picture. I don't like being angry with God, and I'm trying to overcome that. I don't know...
*sigh* I'm rambling.
So...God, I know you're reading this. Where are you man? Show me something...
Y'all be easy.
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